Saturday, 5 April 2008

So who do you think you’re fooling…

I went to Manchester yesterday. Joana was out for day but the rest of the team were busy doing a great job. They are a happy crew and it shows. The big news is Sarah is pregnant. I’m so pleased for her as she’ll be a great Mum. Sarah is a lovely intelligent girl who has been totally supportive of me. She is someone I admire greatly.

We had the usual pregnancy chat and everything is going well. She’s convinced she’s having a girl especially as her Aunt’s dowsing test confirmed it. She’ll have a better idea at the next scan. She’s picked girls names as well but not boys.

That set me thinking what happens when a woman believing she’s having a girl in fact has a boy. Does her belief transmit to the unborn child? You could argue that for a time both life forces are dependent on each other with the spirits coexisting. But how much are they joined? OK we can define the physical part but what about the brain? When babies are born they already know certain things or they wouldn’t survive. Would that belief have transmitted & lodged somewhere deep in the subconscious of the child?

I get told today that I think too much about issues like that but having had a high level scientific education I can’t stop myself reading and researching as much as I can.

During the week I had an MSN conversation that I’m now ashamed of. I chatted to someone who calls himself or herself a woman though they work as a man and do not intend to take hormones or have surgery. They saw two categories cross-dressers and women. They argued that the world outside of work saw them as a woman so they were one and I ridiculed that. I was as bad as the worst of the bigots by defining categories rather than being inclusive. I’m sorry, I apologise.

It’s made me reassess my core beliefs and perhaps that’s no bad thing.

As usual I travelled through Manchester suffering no abuse though I was perhaps more conscious than ever of reactions to how I project. I think I’ve been kidding myself I can pass as female as all I’ve learnt to do is blend in more in an environment where people have other things on their mind.

I think Manchester is easier as well because I’m not the only transsexual in the city. I spotted one in Piccadilly station – it wasn’t difficult over 6 ft tall and huge frame. Her clothes didn’t give her away but her body shape did.

There is a tiny, tiny minority who can fool most of the people most of the time but the vast majority of us don’t and can’t. The male skeletal shape, the lack of hips, the facial shape, the brows, the Adam’s apple, the voice, the hands the feet, I could go on & on. OK some of those can be fixed by surgery but not all but there will always be something that reveals your male past.

So when I said that post-operative transsexual is a non-existent state I was wrong. It is in fact the best state that a male to female transsexual can ever achieve. You can never become a woman.

I wasn’t immediately obvious but now I discover that HM Government doesn’t just make a list of who is transsexual but it records those who are pre-operative differently to those who are post-operative. My friends who have had gender reassignment surgery get a birth certificate with girl on it but those who have yet to have this operation get female.

Now you may think girl = female but no it doesn’t. HM Government shows on your birth certificate you are adopted by listing your adoptive parents and using a country of birth not a town and county. This means you get just England if you are adopted so everyone who knows the rules (like every HM Government Official who might want to see your birth certificate) can spot it on a short certificate instantly (short certificates exclude parents names & occupations). The same applies with the sex column where they will only allow girl if you’ve had the operation. After all every one in authority must know that or society will break down!

So I feel cheated and betrayed in terms of my new birth certificate. That’s not a new pair of emotions as regards our glorious Labour Government who were forced into the Gender Recognition act by the European Human Rights Courts but really didn’t want to do it. Advised by Press for Change we have a mess that perpetuates bigotry but what do they care? Press for Change want the trans cross dressing agenda of the divine right to wear a skirt in public and stuff you transsexuals after all you are all mentally ill.

So where do I go from here?

One thing I know is that being a transsexual person is not a mental illness it is too fundamental to be one though I freely acknowledge that you get to a point where it is transition or die. I chose to stay alive and transition and looking back now it wasn’t my best decision.

I’ve had the Health Service refuse to fund my treatment or provide me with any support physical or otherwise.

I’ve had my employer flout the law, discriminate against me and treat me with utter contempt.

My local Union branch has betrayed me.

I’ve had a complete mental breakdown that the medical professionals [sic] won’t even acknowledge.

I’ve been ridiculed by a bigoted community and socially excluded.

I’ve found it impossible to build a relationship because friends and family of the person I love would not allow it.

The stress has made my Ankylosing Spondylitis worse and has aged me more than the benefits of anti-androgens and estrogens can fight.

I’ll battle on for a bit, as I don’t want my employer or the health service or the local community to get away with their discrimination without a fight.

The problem is that my will to live has been totally destroyed. I live for some justice so that those who follow me may find it easier but I know that it is unsustainable. I don’t fear death but I don’t love life anymore.

I’ll be pleased when all this is over and I don’t have to try to fool anyone anymore…

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