Friday, 7 March 2008

People can see you’re happy in your skin…

I think it was Joana that said that about me but maybe it was Sarah as we had one of our deep & meaningful conversations in my hairdressers.

OK I’ve had more than my fair share of upset in recent times but fundamentally I am at peace with myself and who I am since my transition.

It’s easy to forget sometimes the utter despair before transition, the fighting with one’s self, knowing your brain is one sex and your body a different one. Realising you can’t fit male norms; well you can fool some people, some of the time, but never your inner self. Maybe my pre transition nickname at my local pub of “Little Red Riding Hood” was a sign I wasn’t really fooling anyone pretending to be a man though I expect they just thought I was gay LOL

The pleasing thing from my perspective was their observation that I project this fundamental happiness to other people. Yeah I’m friendly LOL Another bit that made me smile was the observation that perhaps people having seen such a big physical change in me had expected my personality to change or modify.

It hasn’t at all. OK I cry more openly and the emotions I held inside, you know stiff upper lip and all that; are there for all to see. My passionate belief in truth, justice and the equality of all are now not restrained by the false male persona I tried to convince myself was the real me but I’m the same person transitioning doesn’t change anything fundamental about personality or mood it just removes the inner conflict or rather it does it if you were meant to do it.

We chatted at length about what it really means to be a woman and not a stereotype. Barbie doll type at one end or the heavily butch type at the other end of the spectrum. How girly you are is mostly determined by circumstances rather than by sex. But you have to be happy with yourself to understand that!

I just love Joana and the girls they’ve helped me so much on my journey coping with my moments of despair and now enjoying my resurrection. I do feel “born again” in Manchester and l feel the city smiles back at me.

Today the daffodils and crocuses smiled in the sunlight and that added to my good mood. A nice lady had given me her magazine when she got off the train at Macclesfield and on the way back this rather dishy guy offered me a share of his newspaper. Tiny gestures but they make you feel that you fit in the real world rather than a bigot-imposed ghetto.

Recently I’ve cut a lot of my links with the T-girl world not because I’m becoming a superior TS bitch but because those that really care have my phone number and email so I don’t need chat rooms full of people I don’t know seeing me as part of a fantasy world when I belong in the real world.

OK I’d like a partner or a partner type but separate homes relationship but not at any price. Everyone wants to be loved and give love and despite being lied to and deceived I will risk loving again but that’s part of the female brain thing. Someone soon would be nice as I don’t feel I’m on the rebound from being dumped and my sex drive has been reawaken – hint, hint LOL

I could write a lot more about today but I’d step over the line of revealing stuff told me in confidence. Let’s just say the dent in my confidence by recent events and fierce words has been restored. I can blend in and live within female society just by being my true self, it doesn’t matter if people think I was once a man what matters is that they see me as a female now and all but the bigots do. I can settle for that.

Life is good; I’m so pleased I didn’t give it up…

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