This is time of year when the broadcasters look back, you know the sort of thing, a year in pictures, defining moments in politics, sport etc. etc.
So this is my year in quotes from my blogs.
That I’m still alive to do this is in many ways surprising even to me.
I have to admit I go into 2008 knowing I can’t survive another year like 2007, which is why I’ve got an appointment with a consultant psychiatrist on January 15 significantly the day after my birthday.
At the moment I realise I’m back to my core friends and my faith to pull me through I hope that’s enough.
I’ve chosen one or two sentences from blog entries in each month and I let them speak for themselves.
So here is my year in quotes from my blogs:
Today I’d decided to wear my one & only bra to work under my black spot the maniac T and I seriously underestimated the effect LOL What is it with boobs? I’m tiny AA but you’d think I was DD from looks I’m getting! Some of the obese women have real hatred in their eyes it’s sort of we could tolerate you having gay men but now you look like you could pull any man and that of course is not allowed! I noticed a few guys staring at my boobs whist chatting but I think I’d better get used to that!
Had my examination by the Company Doctor – if it had been a boxing match the referee would have thrown in the towel after 20 mins to save the Doctor from further savaging by me…
He wasn’t expecting the things I told him about the way management had treated me and he really didn’t expect me to have such extensive knowledge about Ankylosing Spondylitis. I think the bit about phenylbutazone and core muscle strength floored him LOL
The guy from the T&GWU area office was lovely – old skool, retired now but knew his stuff before the meeting he said look they’ve already broken the law as regards disability discrimination to say nothing of sex discrimination!
Email circulated to Managers advising Company Doctor has accessed me and that I’m not to be allocated packet packing or cross-feeding work. Plus the best bit I’m OK to do other work including current job. Now placed on restricted duties register.
Two young men (boys) riding along on their push-bikes calling out “Hello Former Name – we know you’re a nice man”. Their grandmother is an evil cow that lives across the road for me so it’s hardly surprising she’s poisoned their minds. Not too surprised by this as I’ve been half expecting accusation of being former paedophile or similar from her – yes she is that evil. It was a reminder however that some of the local bigots will never let me alone. It’s a case of trying to deflect their inadequacies on someone else they perceive as more vulnerable, which is why of course I don’t react.
Being your true self in the real world without any fear or personal embarrassment is my definition of completion or is it closure? If you personally need the “props” of silicone parts or any other surgery then so what if it gets you out & about in the real world. I needed the hair weave and the hormones as my essentials so I could never criticise anyone who says I must do this or that but for me I have those essentials plus of course the love & support of some special people and that’s all I really needed.
But of course now I know I’m a woman – I’ve had my bra twanged LOL
Got home to find I had been turned down for disability living allowance as I can walk 200m and I must be virtually unable to walk. I can also manage my personal care by day or night. I’ve had a look at what I can appeal against and as far as I can see its impossible to make a claim unless you need the help of someone else. So there you have it we recognise you are disabled but because you fight it and live independently tough shit. But then our Government is consistently fascist in all areas of social policy. I suppose on the bright side at least my records are now marked sensitive (transsexual) but I am not letting them off giving me a pension at 60 when I get my Gender Recognition Certificate.
Do you recognise me?
Your personal ruling planets are Saturn and Mercury.
The energies of these two powerful planets result in a most revolutionary and incredibly changeable destiny. You are cautioned to act with great care, lest your own power devour you. It is best for you not to act impulsively, nor to speculate, but to harness the gift of this great electrical and magnetic energy that you have been endowed with.
You are at a crossroad in your life in this incarnation, and will be confronted with choices as to whether to "buck the system" and authority or to use those forces to help you achieve your own ends. You may have had issues early in life that relate to your father and so must resolve those facets of your inner life to bring out the best in your love, marriage and relationships generally.
The only way you can achieve grand success in this life is through keeping your motives channelled along higher lines of action.
I made sure he understood I repeated that the selection process for higher-level jobs in Company was prejudicial against me. That this had happened on three occasions that were easily provable and that the cause of this was institutionalised transphobia driven from the highest level of management. I was therefore not prepared to be ridiculed or humiliated again and I had already told Personnel that I would never apply for another job on this site.
Values Maggie Fox brings to the Organisation.
This confident, thorough individual’s value to an organisation will centre around her naturally outgoing, enthusiastic and communicative style combined with patience, loyalty, predictability and logic. She will therefore win the confidence and respect of her colleagues through her poise, strong interpersonal and listening skills and sound, objective decision making abilities. Maggie Fox will therefore be able to delegate and operate in a team structure successfully.
One thing I’ve noticed though is that when I project my female voice correctly (I can’t be arsed to do that in Uttoxeter) my Newport accent comes out more and I spent bloody years trying to get rid of it though I never quite succeeded. Last time I got an insurance quote the lady at the other end said after I had given her my address. “You’re from Newport aren’t you?” “You disguise it well but occasionally it shows” Oh I said “How’d you know?” She replied “Oh I’m from Newport too!” I thought I’d got away from it as people who meet me for a first time think I’m from Down South or Bristol as a first guess but hey I’m a Port girl from Pill though most women wouldn’t admit to that!
It came as an email from “Sam Enella”. He had posted some earlier guest book comments that I deleted but they indicated he was from Uttoxeter and his knowledge of where I work.
I’ve not corrected his grammar, spelling or punctuation.
“Two points, "from Down South or Bristol as a first guess but hey I’m a Port girl from Pill though most women wouldn’t admit to that!" one being that most that come from Bristol are freaks and queers, secondly "girl" you are a bloke whether you like it or not! check out your equipment, no matter how small it is, you are still a bloke. Dillusion is a terrible attribute and you should give your mirror a damn good clean, take a good look at yourself and see what everyone else sees, a pathetic excuse of a man trying to be something he quite clearly isn't.”
This must make Uttoxeter so proud of its citizens and England of its education system that produces people with such intellect & tolerance.
Now on Uttoxeter station platform there were three young men newly released from Foston open prison – one really tough looking guy, a nondescript and a black dandy. Now was he special! Trilby hat, natty jacket, drainpipe trousers and shoes with points that made my Goth boots look tame. Cracked some instant quips that made me chuckle and our eyes met in a natural smile. He was searching for some tunes to play on his music box teasing the nondescript one about his ipod tastes in dance tracks. He found his music just as the train pulled in and says “shame that, I was about to ask do you want to dance with me?”
I’ve now had my principal advisor’s input and she has made a very significant contribution.
Lets be clear I am not seeking publicity or “entertainment” I am seeking justice in an English Court for myself against the Group and individuals that believe they are above the law.
It is now clear to me that some of the harassment by some managers & some co-workers is criminal contrary to section 4 of The Protection from Harassment Act 1997 and I can certainly prove that management broke section 2 of the same Act.
I doubt I’ll let an employment tribunal rule on any of this as in my opinion it is weighted far too much towards the employer something that won’t be lost on the Groups legal team. For real justice you need the County Courts and the whole English legal system.
I will not be censored in my right to free speech – I’d go to prison first to defend a fundamental English right.
I will not remove or edit any part of this blog, as it was my way of coping with the viscious prejudice and bigotry that I faced.
This blog is for me, for transsexuals who face prejudice globally and to campaign for the removal of the NHS mental illness classification that has no basis in fact.
It is unlawful to discriminate against someone who is about to undergo, is undergoing or has undergone a gender reassignment (transsexuals).
The Sex Discrimination (Gender Reassignment) Regulations 1999 defines gender reassignment as “a process, which is undertaken under medical supervision for the purpose of reassigning a person's sex by changing physiological or other characteristics of sex, and includes any part of such a process”. (The Law Society)
Now I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but a senior manager actually asked me what my sexual orientation was? I looked her straight in her eyes and simply said I found that question offensive & I refused to answer it.
I’d had a therapeutic clear out via the clothes recycle bins when I transitioned but I held back all the really good stuff. There was a “theoretical chance” I might revert if I couldn’t cope with adopting my true gender but that only happens to people who confused by other issues make the decision to go as they put it “full time” as opposed to transition, which is what I did.
Anyway the other more important issue was I didn’t want anyone wearing my Boss, Armani and Ted Baker designer clothes in Uttoxeter. I don’t know how I’d have reacted if one of my verbal abusers was wearing something I once owned so I just left everything in the guest double bedroom fitted wardrobe until it really annoyed me lol.
So yesterday we filled six black bin bags and the boot of Chris’s car with the final clothing vestiges of my former self. I got an email today from Chris saying she had now dropped it all off. I’m pleased as now I can relax and let the charity shop & their customers enjoy something I once did.
However the stress that my employer has subjected me to from the bigoted management harassment has had a significant effect on me and not all of it was immediate. I have tried to believe the best of everyone but I have stared into the eyes of some evil people and it hurt me deeply. In fact it would have killed a weaker person.
I have survived because I believe that everything has a purpose and whilst I never asked to be chosen as the one to fight this crusade I realise I must stop this prejudice for the benefit of those that follow. It is part of my proof that gender change is not a mental illness and that if you are strong enough you can survive whatever the bigots throw at you. So I will make them pay a heavy price now for what they’ve done.
So that explains why I’ve been less than the confident smiling woman I know I really am over the past few weeks.
So I went to a mixed lesbian & gay bar and got ignored by the men but chatted up by some of the women. Well bit more than chatted up by one girl blush! Full on snog & my tits felt in earnest. I wasn’t really sure whether to reciprocate so I didn’t beyond the snog! Now I’ve always wondered about why some transsexual women become lesbians but I think I understand now.
I mean think of the choice a beer swilling farting arrogant football obsessed chauvinistic bastard who demands total subjugation from you or someone who thinks, cuddles and cares? Hum difficult one that? LOL Now I know why.
Yeah me of the compulsory separates finally did it. Actually I’ve now got three dresses but two were donations. A little black number and an off shoulder long split, leg showing number. I haven’t worn either much.
Now I know some of you may be thinking has she lost the plot gone “Laura Ashley” or tree hugging hippy? Hell No! My dress is a full on lesbian number LOL It’s military cut & combat green colour with zip top to bottom at front with belt at hips and its pretty short. It looks well wicked with 4” heel boots!
It’s not for Uttoxeter wear its for Manchester, perfect with one of my punk jackets for a visit to the music venues in the Northern Quarter and then clubbing afterwards in the Village. I saw a version of it in Primark but I got mine from Peacocks and it was cheaper there. It’s left me skint though so it’s live out of cupboards for a few days. Mind you I got plenty in stock.
Now for the record I noticed a few locals looking up at my maisonette thinking they were out of sight and pointing & talking. I’ve been concerned for my physical safety recently as Uttoxeter bigots seeing the physical changes taking place in me may now resort to going beyond just verbal abuse. They think they’re above the law in the same way that the factory management & staff do. I must remember to carry my alarm & pepper spray at all times.
Please pass on my thanks to Amanda for forwarding some of my payslips.
Thought you might like to know that on the one dated 05/07/2007 someone had scrawled "U R A MAN".
This rather neatly proves my submission that the "XXX Discrimination Briefing Sheet" signed for by your employees would be taken as a licence to continue the discrimination & abuse against me.
Don't bother forwarding any more payslips if you can't manage to get then to me without being them being "inscribed".
I got bit of lecture from a friend about needing to get out more and she’s absolutely right but she should see this months bills and I need to save £180 to apply for my gender recognition certificate. I want my new female birth certificate ASAP Then it’s find a husband LOL Oh & just to wind up the bigots it would be full legal marriage not a civil partnership even if you still got the bits you don’t want! Aren’t Human Rights wonderful – best decisions ever adding that to English Law. That’ll get Angry of Uttoxeter writing in!
So I got to talk to my date and it was fun. IT background in common though he’s still in the industry. Give us a job? LOL I think anyone earwiging the conversation would have concluded us as too random switching from computer warehouse design software to my transition to hobbies LOL Anyway I liked him and yeah I’d date him again as he passed the being seen in public with me test.
Will he ask me out again? I don’t know I’m possibly too independent a girl and maybe older than he wants and he has an amazingly busy life including overseas work so I might be difficult to fit in as it’s a fair drive here from Birmingham where he lives & works. No Brum accent to rival my acquired Stokey though LOL
So all round a lovely night out with a man in Uttoxeter that’s almost a double whammy LOL
Now I’ve finally accepted my new size and even started clearing my wardrobe of size 8 jeans etc. For those of you that know me this is a very significant moment as my idea of slim does tend towards the anorexic. OK I was stupidly undersized last year as the 8s I had were loose on me. I remember buying 1 cool size 8 skirt on the Internet and still having to get Linds to apply safety pins to it so it wouldn’t drop off me!
Size 10 fits me perfectly and I’ve decided I can still wear crop tops with jeans and look OK. My shape has changed as my bum & hips are better “covered” so it looks like the tablets are depositing most of the fat where I want it. I worried more about shape than growing boobs when I started my transition & still do really. I remember one of the girls at work pressing my stomach and saying “Oh it doesn’t go in!” and that is the way I prefer it but I can live with the female stomach I’ve developed.
Another observation I got at work, though from one of the bigots, was “I bet you get problems finding clothes that fit” I said at the time “No actually because male clothes never fitted me properly” and that was very true then but perhaps even more so now I’m pleased to say. I think at size 8 I got a fit cos of the “cut” not expecting curves whereas for 10 you must have curves for clothes to look right on.
I plead guilty to the crime of transition
I plead guilty to a female soul
I plead guilty to a sense of humour
I plead guilty to growing old
I plead guilty for being disabled
I plead guilty for loving a man
I plead guilty for exposing bigots
I plead guilty for having a faith
I plead guilty to fighting for justice
I plead guilty to telling the truth
I plead guilty to being a free sprit
I plead guilty to having a smile
I plead guilty for too much make up
I plead guilty for being a musician
I plead guilty for caring for others
I plead guilty for just being me
That’s for the local determined bigots please email me if I’ve missed anything LOL
On November 18 it will be exactly two years since I made the irreversible decision to step over my threshold and reveal my true self to the world in a permanent way that would lead to my legal recognition as a woman.
I started this blog to record my progress, trials, tribulations & triumphs. I made two simple rules #1 tell the truth #2 never go back and edit. I’ve stuck to both.
This blog is how I felt on the day I felt it. I cringe at some of it now, at my naivety, at my misplaced trust and the betrayals I faced. I’ve learned a lot about others and myself though and yes I’d do it all again.
So this is going to be the last entry in this blog because I won’t be either a transsexual or a biscuit maker very much longer. That tends to shorten the title LOL Yes I’ll start another but it’ll be very different.
This one has served it’s purpose; the new one won’t make any reference to my former status. It’ll be a woman’s diary nothing else. Lots of people have written about sex affirmation surgery and mostly its tedious, boring and occasionally far too graphic – too much detail! LOL I won’t be writing about mine.
So off I go and on the way a street girl tries to bum a cigarette off me “Hey love can you spare me a ciggy?” Now I say in my best girly voice “Sorry I don’t smoke anymore”. “Are you a Scouser?” she says. I laugh, and say “Nah but I am from Newport” and we both smile & laugh. She mutters she’s going to kill her (junkie) boyfriend when she finds him & we go off on our respective ways. If you know the rivalry (hate) relationship between Manchester & Liverpool you’ll understand that exchange! The point I’m making is it was a girl-to-girl thing.
I’ve been fretting over how I was going to get my gender recognition application in. Not in terms of the 2 year living in true gender evidence – I got that but in terms of the cost. I’m due to see Dr Curtis anyway so it’s just a matter of his fee that I was prepared for anyway. My worry was the cost of the application.
But I spotted a free of charge option so I emailed “On your web site it states if your gross annual income is £16,017 or less and you receive Working Tax Credit with a 'disability element' or 'severe disability element you do not have to pay a fee. I am disabled but not considered sufficiently disabled to qualify for this element on Tax Credits. My income is however less than £16,017 last P60 was £12,406 so will I be required to pay a fee?” Answer was “If you enclose your P60 with your application then you will be exempt from paying the fee.”
During this, in came a Jamaican lady who has a smile, way beyond mine and a fabulous sense of humour. We’ve had a few chats in the past and she’s just a lovely person. So subject moves to international travel & how other people talk about you when you are the visitor. She knew the Nigerian slang for West Indians (think it was janda) but it translated as “those that eat sugar cane” this set off lots of laughter and swapping of often not so polite names used for others not of your ethnicity. My contribution was the term “grockell” used by the Cornish for the rest of the world’s population when they visit Cornwall.
I thought we were all going to have mascara run down our cheeks as the laughter & banter built up. We all concluded that women talking about other women mainly used the terms as quote “men have their own agenda”.
The point I’m making here is that you could spend 100 years going back & fore to some Caucasian Psychiatrist and never get to this point. What had happened was that I was inside an all women group, laughing & joking & contributing to what was an exclusively female discussion as an accepted equal. That was the end of my real life test LOL This was real life & real women from hugely different backgrounds & cultures sharing a joke & a laugh. It doesn’t get any better than that…
No 19 pasted “Kong is coming Be afried very afreid Kong” as a note on my front door at just after 2am last night.
Took it off with tweezers & put it in a plastic wallet – don’t want to destroy the fingerprint / DNA.
So is the threat death by a bag of chips or death through lack of an education?
I mean, come on get the word spelt right, AFRAID OK?
I shouldn’t expect much really from a young Uttoxeter male that delights in spitting outside my door or encouraging his dog (Kong is a dog toy) to piss on the wall outside.
And people wonder why Uttoxeter has a reputation for being populated by stupid evil bigots!
I hadn't intended to put any more posts in this blog as I've moved on in my life but I think it's important for people to know that Uttoxeter is full of people who just want to drag you back to their pathetic level.
I’d decided to ask my GP to refer me back to the psychiatrist who I saw early on in my transition who concluded that I was not suffering from any mental illness. I do trust her to advise me how to cope with what she may well diagnose as “post traumatic stress disorder”.
I don’t care about the mental illness label. I want to somehow get back to the girl I was before the day I stared into the eyes of evil. At the moment my spirit peeks out of my soul does what it has to and then darts back in.
In separate letter to my GP I loved these comments from Dr Curtis:
“She passes well”
“Her voice is good”
“She has put on weight recently which is feminising”
WAYHAY you should see my smile!
Well Monday 19 November 2007 was a defining date for me as I’ve now completed the arbitrary two-year qualification for gender recognition. I’d booked a meeting with my Consultant, as I need his report for my application.
Dr Richard Curtis is one of the few members of the medical profession I trust and I know is working for my best interests. He’s done the same journey and the relationship between us is first class with both sides able to tell it as it is.
Am I in love?
YES YES YES
“L” has taught me so much and loved me despite me still “running away from myself” and repeatedly trying to destroy the relationship. I’ll never know quite how it all happened but it has and I thank God for bringing us together.
Life can appear a random series of unconnected events and whilst we all have free will then that’ll always appear to be the case but that ignores unconditional love. It is love that gives us our meaning and direction and I’ve learnt that from “L”.
Last night we had the most amazing conversation. There is absolutely nothing we can’t share. OK sometimes the strength and depth of it hurts and one or both of us cry but that’s a transitory price as we two become one in terms of our understanding of each other’s innermost thoughts, fears and emotions.
It’s scary as hell sometimes but neither of us would want to stop now. We’ve invested so much truth and that guarantees us a real and sustained friendship forever.
It’s been an interesting Christmas with the ghosts of the past never far away from the surface and moments of reflection and thoughts of happy and sad times taking over prompted by the music I played.
I have no idea of my future, far too many variables, but I suppose at least I’ve survived Christmas for another year…
So now for 2008…
Earlier extracts from http://maggiets.spaces.live.com