Wednesday, 26 December 2007

Ghosts of Christmas Past…

Well that’s it Christmas day over and Boxing Day sales in full swing.

Just New Year celebrations to come. [sic]

Yesterday, as if I needed it, I was reminded of the social exclusion I faced when I made the decision to try to bring my body in line with my mind.

Part of the now almost total annexation of Christmas by our capitalist society is to create the myth of the perfect family Christmas and somehow expect the dysfunctional members to transform into smiling subservient beings ready to follow the whims of the self appointed head of the family.

I can understand why the modern Christmas we’ve created is such a stress for so many.

I managed to catch Chris before she headed off for Christmas with Paul’s Mum & Dad. She’s with her Mum & Dad, Dot & John, today. She seemed pretty chilled though under time pressure but we had a few words so I could thank her for the presents that included a rather special bottle of Italian wine she’d brought back in her case from her last visit to Italy.

I have to admit to shedding a few tears afterwards as Chris is my soul mate and I am so grateful for our special friendship that transcends the past relationship. I’m pleased she’s moved away and forged a great relationship with Paul and not had to confront some of the things I have by daring to reveal my true self.

Rang Dot and made her laugh telling her how I’d taken out Tilley’s presents for her one by one. Tilley got her all her favourite cat foods.

Sent & received a few texts and used music to get me through the day whist reading some random stuff on the web. The web reminded me that no matter how bad I might feel my life is at the moment there are those who have had it far worse. Some of the stories of courage & survival are incredibly humbling. The faith some people have in life and the future is truly remarkable. I found the story of one man who had his ears, nose & lips cut off by rebel forces in Rwanda quite incredible.

I got two emails from Press for Change with some self-publicity articles that reminded me that their support for “Trans” is just to preserve their incomes as advisors on discrimination. I then got another saying one PCT had now approved direct NHS paid access to my gender specialist Dr Richard Cutis the specialist my PCT refers to as an inappropriate clinical pathway! My PCT run by an arrogant male Conservative politician won’t change so maybe there’ll be a mass transsexual migration to the area which the suddenly enlightened PCT covers! It’s a bit like the Saul/Paul road to Damascus story of conversion as that PCT was worse than mine!

Later a Turkish man in Ankara asked me if I was a TV or CD? He didn’t get the HBS female bit but so what. He seemed most put out I will get an English female birth certificate without having to have gender affirmation surgery. Another reminder why Turkey shouldn’t be part of Europe?

Then I spoke to “L” until 3am about the chances of us ever having anything that resembles a “normal” relationship. I know the truthful answer to that is none at all. I think the relationship is going to fail despite the love we both have for each other. The easy excuse is distance the real reason is the prejudice of others and the social pressure of conforming to capitalist society norms that I simply can’t do.

It’s been an interesting Christmas with the ghosts of the past never far away from the surface and moments of reflection and thoughts of happy and sad times taking over prompted by the music I played.

I have no idea of my future, far too many variables, but I suppose at least I’ve survived Christmas for another year…

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