Friday, 28 December 2007

Live a lifetime in one year….

This is time of year when the broadcasters look back, you know the sort of thing, a year in pictures, defining moments in politics, sport etc. etc.

So this is my year in quotes from my blogs.

That I’m still alive to do this is in many ways surprising even to me.

I have to admit I go into 2008 knowing I can’t survive another year like 2007, which is why I’ve got an appointment with a consultant psychiatrist on January 15 significantly the day after my birthday.

At the moment I realise I’m back to my core friends and my faith to pull me through I hope that’s enough.

I’ve chosen one or two sentences from blog entries in each month and I let them speak for themselves.

So here is my year in quotes from my blogs:


January 2007

Today I’d decided to wear my one & only bra to work under my black spot the maniac T and I seriously underestimated the effect LOL What is it with boobs? I’m tiny AA but you’d think I was DD from looks I’m getting! Some of the obese women have real hatred in their eyes it’s sort of we could tolerate you having gay men but now you look like you could pull any man and that of course is not allowed! I noticed a few guys staring at my boobs whist chatting but I think I’d better get used to that!

Had my examination by the Company Doctor – if it had been a boxing match the referee would have thrown in the towel after 20 mins to save the Doctor from further savaging by me…

He wasn’t expecting the things I told him about the way management had treated me and he really didn’t expect me to have such extensive knowledge about Ankylosing Spondylitis. I think the bit about phenylbutazone and core muscle strength floored him LOL

The guy from the T&GWU area office was lovely – old skool, retired now but knew his stuff before the meeting he said look they’ve already broken the law as regards disability discrimination to say nothing of sex discrimination!

February 2007

Just today…

High

Email circulated to Managers advising Company Doctor has accessed me and that I’m not to be allocated packet packing or cross-feeding work. Plus the best bit I’m OK to do other work including current job. Now placed on restricted duties register.

Low

Two young men (boys) riding along on their push-bikes calling out “Hello Former Name – we know you’re a nice man”. Their grandmother is an evil cow that lives across the road for me so it’s hardly surprising she’s poisoned their minds. Not too surprised by this as I’ve been half expecting accusation of being former paedophile or similar from her – yes she is that evil. It was a reminder however that some of the local bigots will never let me alone. It’s a case of trying to deflect their inadequacies on someone else they perceive as more vulnerable, which is why of course I don’t react.

March 2007

Being your true self in the real world without any fear or personal embarrassment is my definition of completion or is it closure? If you personally need the “props” of silicone parts or any other surgery then so what if it gets you out & about in the real world. I needed the hair weave and the hormones as my essentials so I could never criticise anyone who says I must do this or that but for me I have those essentials plus of course the love & support of some special people and that’s all I really needed.

But of course now I know I’m a woman – I’ve had my bra twanged LOL

Got home to find I had been turned down for disability living allowance as I can walk 200m and I must be virtually unable to walk. I can also manage my personal care by day or night. I’ve had a look at what I can appeal against and as far as I can see its impossible to make a claim unless you need the help of someone else. So there you have it we recognise you are disabled but because you fight it and live independently tough shit. But then our Government is consistently fascist in all areas of social policy. I suppose on the bright side at least my records are now marked sensitive (transsexual) but I am not letting them off giving me a pension at 60 when I get my Gender Recognition Certificate.


April 2007


Do you recognise me?

Your personal ruling planets are Saturn and Mercury.

The energies of these two powerful planets result in a most revolutionary and incredibly changeable destiny. You are cautioned to act with great care, lest your own power devour you. It is best for you not to act impulsively, nor to speculate, but to harness the gift of this great electrical and magnetic energy that you have been endowed with.

You are at a crossroad in your life in this incarnation, and will be confronted with choices as to whether to "buck the system" and authority or to use those forces to help you achieve your own ends. You may have had issues early in life that relate to your father and so must resolve those facets of your inner life to bring out the best in your love, marriage and relationships generally.

The only way you can achieve grand success in this life is through keeping your motives channelled along higher lines of action.

I made sure he understood I repeated that the selection process for higher-level jobs in Company was prejudicial against me. That this had happened on three occasions that were easily provable and that the cause of this was institutionalised transphobia driven from the highest level of management. I was therefore not prepared to be ridiculed or humiliated again and I had already told Personnel that I would never apply for another job on this site.

Values Maggie Fox brings to the Organisation.

This confident, thorough individual’s value to an organisation will centre around her naturally outgoing, enthusiastic and communicative style combined with patience, loyalty, predictability and logic. She will therefore win the confidence and respect of her colleagues through her poise, strong interpersonal and listening skills and sound, objective decision making abilities. Maggie Fox will therefore be able to delegate and operate in a team structure successfully.

MAY 2007

One thing I’ve noticed though is that when I project my female voice correctly (I can’t be arsed to do that in Uttoxeter) my Newport accent comes out more and I spent bloody years trying to get rid of it though I never quite succeeded. Last time I got an insurance quote the lady at the other end said after I had given her my address. “You’re from Newport aren’t you?” “You disguise it well but occasionally it shows” Oh I said “How’d you know?” She replied “Oh I’m from Newport too!” I thought I’d got away from it as people who meet me for a first time think I’m from Down South or Bristol as a first guess but hey I’m a Port girl from Pill though most women wouldn’t admit to that!

It came as an email from “Sam Enella”. He had posted some earlier guest book comments that I deleted but they indicated he was from Uttoxeter and his knowledge of where I work.
I’ve not corrected his grammar, spelling or punctuation.

“Two points, "from Down South or Bristol as a first guess but hey I’m a Port girl from Pill though most women wouldn’t admit to that!" one being that most that come from Bristol are freaks and queers, secondly "girl" you are a bloke whether you like it or not! check out your equipment, no matter how small it is, you are still a bloke. Dillusion is a terrible attribute and you should give your mirror a damn good clean, take a good look at yourself and see what everyone else sees, a pathetic excuse of a man trying to be something he quite clearly isn't.”

This must make Uttoxeter so proud of its citizens and England of its education system that produces people with such intellect & tolerance.

JUNE 2007

Now on Uttoxeter station platform there were three young men newly released from Foston open prison – one really tough looking guy, a nondescript and a black dandy. Now was he special! Trilby hat, natty jacket, drainpipe trousers and shoes with points that made my Goth boots look tame. Cracked some instant quips that made me chuckle and our eyes met in a natural smile. He was searching for some tunes to play on his music box teasing the nondescript one about his ipod tastes in dance tracks. He found his music just as the train pulled in and says “shame that, I was about to ask do you want to dance with me?”

I’ve now had my principal advisor’s input and she has made a very significant contribution.

Lets be clear I am not seeking publicity or “entertainment” I am seeking justice in an English Court for myself against the Group and individuals that believe they are above the law.

It is now clear to me that some of the harassment by some managers & some co-workers is criminal contrary to section 4 of The Protection from Harassment Act 1997 and I can certainly prove that management broke section 2 of the same Act.

I doubt I’ll let an employment tribunal rule on any of this as in my opinion it is weighted far too much towards the employer something that won’t be lost on the Groups legal team. For real justice you need the County Courts and the whole English legal system.

For clarity:

I will not be censored in my right to free speech – I’d go to prison first to defend a fundamental English right.

I will not remove or edit any part of this blog, as it was my way of coping with the viscious prejudice and bigotry that I faced.

This blog is for me, for transsexuals who face prejudice globally and to campaign for the removal of the NHS mental illness classification that has no basis in fact.
It is unlawful to discriminate against someone who is about to undergo, is undergoing or has undergone a gender reassignment (transsexuals).

The Sex Discrimination (Gender Reassignment) Regulations 1999 defines gender reassignment as “a process, which is undertaken under medical supervision for the purpose of reassigning a person's sex by changing physiological or other characteristics of sex, and includes any part of such a process”. (The Law Society)
Now I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but a senior manager actually asked me what my sexual orientation was? I looked her straight in her eyes and simply said I found that question offensive & I refused to answer it.

JULY 2007

I’d had a therapeutic clear out via the clothes recycle bins when I transitioned but I held back all the really good stuff. There was a “theoretical chance” I might revert if I couldn’t cope with adopting my true gender but that only happens to people who confused by other issues make the decision to go as they put it “full time” as opposed to transition, which is what I did.

Anyway the other more important issue was I didn’t want anyone wearing my Boss, Armani and Ted Baker designer clothes in Uttoxeter. I don’t know how I’d have reacted if one of my verbal abusers was wearing something I once owned so I just left everything in the guest double bedroom fitted wardrobe until it really annoyed me lol.

So yesterday we filled six black bin bags and the boot of Chris’s car with the final clothing vestiges of my former self. I got an email today from Chris saying she had now dropped it all off. I’m pleased as now I can relax and let the charity shop & their customers enjoy something I once did.

However the stress that my employer has subjected me to from the bigoted management harassment has had a significant effect on me and not all of it was immediate. I have tried to believe the best of everyone but I have stared into the eyes of some evil people and it hurt me deeply. In fact it would have killed a weaker person.

I have survived because I believe that everything has a purpose and whilst I never asked to be chosen as the one to fight this crusade I realise I must stop this prejudice for the benefit of those that follow. It is part of my proof that gender change is not a mental illness and that if you are strong enough you can survive whatever the bigots throw at you. So I will make them pay a heavy price now for what they’ve done.

So that explains why I’ve been less than the confident smiling woman I know I really am over the past few weeks.

AUGUST 2007

So I went to a mixed lesbian & gay bar and got ignored by the men but chatted up by some of the women. Well bit more than chatted up by one girl blush! Full on snog & my tits felt in earnest. I wasn’t really sure whether to reciprocate so I didn’t beyond the snog! Now I’ve always wondered about why some transsexual women become lesbians but I think I understand now.

I mean think of the choice a beer swilling farting arrogant football obsessed chauvinistic bastard who demands total subjugation from you or someone who thinks, cuddles and cares? Hum difficult one that? LOL Now I know why.

Yeah me of the compulsory separates finally did it. Actually I’ve now got three dresses but two were donations. A little black number and an off shoulder long split, leg showing number. I haven’t worn either much.

Now I know some of you may be thinking has she lost the plot gone “Laura Ashley” or tree hugging hippy? Hell No! My dress is a full on lesbian number LOL It’s military cut & combat green colour with zip top to bottom at front with belt at hips and its pretty short. It looks well wicked with 4” heel boots!

It’s not for Uttoxeter wear its for Manchester, perfect with one of my punk jackets for a visit to the music venues in the Northern Quarter and then clubbing afterwards in the Village. I saw a version of it in Primark but I got mine from Peacocks and it was cheaper there. It’s left me skint though so it’s live out of cupboards for a few days. Mind you I got plenty in stock.

Now for the record I noticed a few locals looking up at my maisonette thinking they were out of sight and pointing & talking. I’ve been concerned for my physical safety recently as Uttoxeter bigots seeing the physical changes taking place in me may now resort to going beyond just verbal abuse. They think they’re above the law in the same way that the factory management & staff do. I must remember to carry my alarm & pepper spray at all times.

Please pass on my thanks to Amanda for forwarding some of my payslips.

Thought you might like to know that on the one dated 05/07/2007 someone had scrawled "U R A MAN".

This rather neatly proves my submission that the "XXX Discrimination Briefing Sheet" signed for by your employees would be taken as a licence to continue the discrimination & abuse against me.

Don't bother forwarding any more payslips if you can't manage to get then to me without being them being "inscribed".


September 2007


I got bit of lecture from a friend about needing to get out more and she’s absolutely right but she should see this months bills and I need to save £180 to apply for my gender recognition certificate. I want my new female birth certificate ASAP Then it’s find a husband LOL Oh & just to wind up the bigots it would be full legal marriage not a civil partnership even if you still got the bits you don’t want! Aren’t Human Rights wonderful – best decisions ever adding that to English Law. That’ll get Angry of Uttoxeter writing in!

So I got to talk to my date and it was fun. IT background in common though he’s still in the industry. Give us a job? LOL I think anyone earwiging the conversation would have concluded us as too random switching from computer warehouse design software to my transition to hobbies LOL Anyway I liked him and yeah I’d date him again as he passed the being seen in public with me test.

Will he ask me out again? I don’t know I’m possibly too independent a girl and maybe older than he wants and he has an amazingly busy life including overseas work so I might be difficult to fit in as it’s a fair drive here from Birmingham where he lives & works. No Brum accent to rival my acquired Stokey though LOL

So all round a lovely night out with a man in Uttoxeter that’s almost a double whammy LOL

Now I’ve finally accepted my new size and even started clearing my wardrobe of size 8 jeans etc. For those of you that know me this is a very significant moment as my idea of slim does tend towards the anorexic. OK I was stupidly undersized last year as the 8s I had were loose on me. I remember buying 1 cool size 8 skirt on the Internet and still having to get Linds to apply safety pins to it so it wouldn’t drop off me!

Size 10 fits me perfectly and I’ve decided I can still wear crop tops with jeans and look OK. My shape has changed as my bum & hips are better “covered” so it looks like the tablets are depositing most of the fat where I want it. I worried more about shape than growing boobs when I started my transition & still do really. I remember one of the girls at work pressing my stomach and saying “Oh it doesn’t go in!” and that is the way I prefer it but I can live with the female stomach I’ve developed.

Another observation I got at work, though from one of the bigots, was “I bet you get problems finding clothes that fit” I said at the time “No actually because male clothes never fitted me properly” and that was very true then but perhaps even more so now I’m pleased to say. I think at size 8 I got a fit cos of the “cut” not expecting curves whereas for 10 you must have curves for clothes to look right on.


I plead guilty to the crime of transition
I plead guilty to a female soul
I plead guilty to a sense of humour
I plead guilty to growing old

I plead guilty for being disabled
I plead guilty for loving a man
I plead guilty for exposing bigots
I plead guilty for having a faith

I plead guilty to fighting for justice
I plead guilty to telling the truth
I plead guilty to being a free sprit
I plead guilty to having a smile

I plead guilty for too much make up
I plead guilty for being a musician
I plead guilty for caring for others
I plead guilty for just being me

That’s for the local determined bigots please email me if I’ve missed anything LOL


OCTOBER 2007


On November 18 it will be exactly two years since I made the irreversible decision to step over my threshold and reveal my true self to the world in a permanent way that would lead to my legal recognition as a woman.

I started this blog to record my progress, trials, tribulations & triumphs. I made two simple rules #1 tell the truth #2 never go back and edit. I’ve stuck to both.

This blog is how I felt on the day I felt it. I cringe at some of it now, at my naivety, at my misplaced trust and the betrayals I faced. I’ve learned a lot about others and myself though and yes I’d do it all again.

So this is going to be the last entry in this blog because I won’t be either a transsexual or a biscuit maker very much longer. That tends to shorten the title LOL Yes I’ll start another but it’ll be very different.

This one has served it’s purpose; the new one won’t make any reference to my former status. It’ll be a woman’s diary nothing else. Lots of people have written about sex affirmation surgery and mostly its tedious, boring and occasionally far too graphic – too much detail! LOL I won’t be writing about mine.

So off I go and on the way a street girl tries to bum a cigarette off me “Hey love can you spare me a ciggy?” Now I say in my best girly voice “Sorry I don’t smoke anymore”. “Are you a Scouser?” she says. I laugh, and say “Nah but I am from Newport” and we both smile & laugh. She mutters she’s going to kill her (junkie) boyfriend when she finds him & we go off on our respective ways. If you know the rivalry (hate) relationship between Manchester & Liverpool you’ll understand that exchange! The point I’m making is it was a girl-to-girl thing.

I’ve been fretting over how I was going to get my gender recognition application in. Not in terms of the 2 year living in true gender evidence – I got that but in terms of the cost. I’m due to see Dr Curtis anyway so it’s just a matter of his fee that I was prepared for anyway. My worry was the cost of the application.

But I spotted a free of charge option so I emailed “On your web site it states if your gross annual income is £16,017 or less and you receive Working Tax Credit with a 'disability element' or 'severe disability element you do not have to pay a fee. I am disabled but not considered sufficiently disabled to qualify for this element on Tax Credits. My income is however less than £16,017 last P60 was £12,406 so will I be required to pay a fee?” Answer was “If you enclose your P60 with your application then you will be exempt from paying the fee.”

During this, in came a Jamaican lady who has a smile, way beyond mine and a fabulous sense of humour. We’ve had a few chats in the past and she’s just a lovely person. So subject moves to international travel & how other people talk about you when you are the visitor. She knew the Nigerian slang for West Indians (think it was janda) but it translated as “those that eat sugar cane” this set off lots of laughter and swapping of often not so polite names used for others not of your ethnicity. My contribution was the term “grockell” used by the Cornish for the rest of the world’s population when they visit Cornwall.

I thought we were all going to have mascara run down our cheeks as the laughter & banter built up. We all concluded that women talking about other women mainly used the terms as quote “men have their own agenda”.

The point I’m making here is that you could spend 100 years going back & fore to some Caucasian Psychiatrist and never get to this point. What had happened was that I was inside an all women group, laughing & joking & contributing to what was an exclusively female discussion as an accepted equal. That was the end of my real life test LOL This was real life & real women from hugely different backgrounds & cultures sharing a joke & a laugh. It doesn’t get any better than that…

NOVEMBER 2007

No 19 pasted “Kong is coming Be afried very afreid Kong” as a note on my front door at just after 2am last night.

Took it off with tweezers & put it in a plastic wallet – don’t want to destroy the fingerprint / DNA.

So is the threat death by a bag of chips or death through lack of an education?

I mean, come on get the word spelt right, AFRAID OK?

I shouldn’t expect much really from a young Uttoxeter male that delights in spitting outside my door or encouraging his dog (Kong is a dog toy) to piss on the wall outside.

And people wonder why Uttoxeter has a reputation for being populated by stupid evil bigots!

I hadn't intended to put any more posts in this blog as I've moved on in my life but I think it's important for people to know that Uttoxeter is full of people who just want to drag you back to their pathetic level.
I’d decided to ask my GP to refer me back to the psychiatrist who I saw early on in my transition who concluded that I was not suffering from any mental illness. I do trust her to advise me how to cope with what she may well diagnose as “post traumatic stress disorder”.

I don’t care about the mental illness label. I want to somehow get back to the girl I was before the day I stared into the eyes of evil. At the moment my spirit peeks out of my soul does what it has to and then darts back in.

In separate letter to my GP I loved these comments from Dr Curtis:

“She passes well”

“Her voice is good”

“She has put on weight recently which is feminising”

WAYHAY you should see my smile!

Well Monday 19 November 2007 was a defining date for me as I’ve now completed the arbitrary two-year qualification for gender recognition. I’d booked a meeting with my Consultant, as I need his report for my application.

Dr Richard Curtis is one of the few members of the medical profession I trust and I know is working for my best interests. He’s done the same journey and the relationship between us is first class with both sides able to tell it as it is.

Am I in love?

YES YES YES

DECEMBER 2007

“L” has taught me so much and loved me despite me still “running away from myself” and repeatedly trying to destroy the relationship. I’ll never know quite how it all happened but it has and I thank God for bringing us together.

Life can appear a random series of unconnected events and whilst we all have free will then that’ll always appear to be the case but that ignores unconditional love. It is love that gives us our meaning and direction and I’ve learnt that from “L”.

Last night we had the most amazing conversation. There is absolutely nothing we can’t share. OK sometimes the strength and depth of it hurts and one or both of us cry but that’s a transitory price as we two become one in terms of our understanding of each other’s innermost thoughts, fears and emotions.

It’s scary as hell sometimes but neither of us would want to stop now. We’ve invested so much truth and that guarantees us a real and sustained friendship forever.

It’s been an interesting Christmas with the ghosts of the past never far away from the surface and moments of reflection and thoughts of happy and sad times taking over prompted by the music I played.

I have no idea of my future, far too many variables, but I suppose at least I’ve survived Christmas for another year…

So now for 2008…

Earlier extracts from http://maggiets.spaces.live.com

Wednesday, 26 December 2007

Ghosts of Christmas Past…

Well that’s it Christmas day over and Boxing Day sales in full swing.

Just New Year celebrations to come. [sic]

Yesterday, as if I needed it, I was reminded of the social exclusion I faced when I made the decision to try to bring my body in line with my mind.

Part of the now almost total annexation of Christmas by our capitalist society is to create the myth of the perfect family Christmas and somehow expect the dysfunctional members to transform into smiling subservient beings ready to follow the whims of the self appointed head of the family.

I can understand why the modern Christmas we’ve created is such a stress for so many.

I managed to catch Chris before she headed off for Christmas with Paul’s Mum & Dad. She’s with her Mum & Dad, Dot & John, today. She seemed pretty chilled though under time pressure but we had a few words so I could thank her for the presents that included a rather special bottle of Italian wine she’d brought back in her case from her last visit to Italy.

I have to admit to shedding a few tears afterwards as Chris is my soul mate and I am so grateful for our special friendship that transcends the past relationship. I’m pleased she’s moved away and forged a great relationship with Paul and not had to confront some of the things I have by daring to reveal my true self.

Rang Dot and made her laugh telling her how I’d taken out Tilley’s presents for her one by one. Tilley got her all her favourite cat foods.

Sent & received a few texts and used music to get me through the day whist reading some random stuff on the web. The web reminded me that no matter how bad I might feel my life is at the moment there are those who have had it far worse. Some of the stories of courage & survival are incredibly humbling. The faith some people have in life and the future is truly remarkable. I found the story of one man who had his ears, nose & lips cut off by rebel forces in Rwanda quite incredible.

I got two emails from Press for Change with some self-publicity articles that reminded me that their support for “Trans” is just to preserve their incomes as advisors on discrimination. I then got another saying one PCT had now approved direct NHS paid access to my gender specialist Dr Richard Cutis the specialist my PCT refers to as an inappropriate clinical pathway! My PCT run by an arrogant male Conservative politician won’t change so maybe there’ll be a mass transsexual migration to the area which the suddenly enlightened PCT covers! It’s a bit like the Saul/Paul road to Damascus story of conversion as that PCT was worse than mine!

Later a Turkish man in Ankara asked me if I was a TV or CD? He didn’t get the HBS female bit but so what. He seemed most put out I will get an English female birth certificate without having to have gender affirmation surgery. Another reminder why Turkey shouldn’t be part of Europe?

Then I spoke to “L” until 3am about the chances of us ever having anything that resembles a “normal” relationship. I know the truthful answer to that is none at all. I think the relationship is going to fail despite the love we both have for each other. The easy excuse is distance the real reason is the prejudice of others and the social pressure of conforming to capitalist society norms that I simply can’t do.

It’s been an interesting Christmas with the ghosts of the past never far away from the surface and moments of reflection and thoughts of happy and sad times taking over prompted by the music I played.

I have no idea of my future, far too many variables, but I suppose at least I’ve survived Christmas for another year…

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

I’m not a trans I’m a woman with HBS…

Those who know me and my old blog Diary of a Biscuit making Transsexual will understand that I totally oppose the phoney mental illness classification of “gender dysphoria”, the abuse of those seeking gender affirmation by charlatan psychiatrists, and the ludicrous grouping of the gender confused and gender fetishists with people who know their brain is one sex but their bodies another.

http://maggiets.spaces.live.com

Now let me say I have no problem with ranges of sexuality and its expression but this headlong rush to champion Trans rights led in England by Press For Change is absolutely & fundamentally wrong.

I can easily separate my sexuality from my core identity or soul. As soon as I was capable of conscious thought I knew I had a mismatch between my female brain and my externally male body. In those days psychiatrists would have cheerfully shocked your brain into a zombie state to cure you. Given they still tried that with a friend of mine not so many years back we’ve not made that much progress.

The problem of transition is society’s view and the bigotry and prejudice that are being perpetuated and reinforced by the term Trans or Transgender.

Transgender is a lifestyle choice nothing more. It is not a definable physical condition. The term pre-operative transsexual and even worse post-operative transsexual belong in the fantasy world not in the real world.

It is a refusal by a male dominated society and certain religious groups to accept that a tiny number of individuals with this incongruence of body and soul will have ultimately no choice but to solve this issue through hormonal & surgical intervention or die.

That’s the stark choice this minority face in a world where she-male titillation is the one of the dominant themes of the pornography industry. This sets the agenda of the Health Services who knowing the psychiatric classification of mental illness is bogus see individuals that present for treatment as some sort of pervert.

The grouping of these people with Lesbian Bisexual and Gay is also fundamentally wrong and is causing serious problems by the association of sexuality to a condition that has nothing to do with sexual preferences.

That’s why after a lot of thought I’m nailing my colours to the mast of the Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS) lobby.

We desperately need a new name, definition and mode of operation that helps those who intend to solve their mind & body incongruence to the limits of medical science.

So for me I’m dropping the term transsexual woman before I intended to. My original decision was to drop the transsexual adjective as soon as I got my gender Recognition Certificate and my new female birth certificate.

I’ll openly declare as a woman who has HBS and use it to differentiate myself from the Trans lobby.

Once I have my new birth certificate I’ll select whom I declare my HBS too as that is my right not that of some unelected, unrepresentative body who despise the term HBS and the science that underpins it.

Don’t want the truth do we?

HBS is real transgender is fantasy.

It is that simple.

For more information on this issue please visit.

http://www.harrybenjaminsyndrome-info.org


And:

http://www.ts-si.org

Keep the faith…

Chris came to lunch today and for a good old gossip. We exchanged Christmas Gifts. I wish I had more cash to buy her something really nice as our friendship is so special but then we both care and that’s worth more than any other gift.

We had a lovely time sitting on the settee looking at the pictures of the construction of her apartment in Paphos. It really is going to be lovely. Cyprus is a magical island and I’m looking forward to going back in the future. I’ve been to Paphos before and my offering to Aphrodite there should ensure my return.

We talked deep and trivial stuff as is our way and we shared stuff that I could never put in this blog. That’s what very special relationships are serious one minute but laughing the next. It was a great day.

I know the next period of my life is going to be challenging but with special people like Chris to fall back on then I will somehow make it. Yes I have faith in the future…

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

What’s in a word? For Trans read meaningless…

I received an email from Press for Change headed “FURTHER PROTECTION AGAINST DISCRIMINATION FOR TRANS PEOPLE DUE SHORTLY”

It actually is about Regulations that were recently laid in Parliament, which would amend the Sex Discrimination Act 1975 to protect transsexual people against discrimination in the provision of Goods, Facilities and Services.

I’ve replaced their use of Trans here with transsexual, as the Regulations don’t cover those who switch back & fore (for principally some sexual pleasure?). Why not? Because “Trans” are people wanting to reduce the true nature of gender correction to fit their views.

It all stems from the first myth that transsexual people have a mental illness and the deliberate inclusion of gender/sexual confusion to provide a huge income for a small number of psychiatric charlatans.

There is a legal definition for a transsexual person based on (a) intends to undergo gender reassignment, or (b) is undergoing gender reassignment."

"Gender reassignment" means a process which is undertaken under medical supervision for the purpose of reassigning a person's sex by changing physiological or other characteristics of sex, and includes any part of such a process;"

Too easy eh as that excludes those who just present differently when the mood takes them but demand special rights when they do.

These are the “I’m almost full time” jokers that’s except for work and shopping and… It’s the hierarchy fantasists who having moved up from cross dresser to TV want to “try” transsexual. These are the people who need someone else to diagnose them rather than know that their brain & body are incongruent.

Now let me make it clear I don’t care if you are one of those and I defend your right to do it and not suffer abuse or worse. BUT not at the expense of a diminution of transsexual peoples rights.

Our society and laws are not perfect but we do have the Gender Recognition Act and really everyone who gets a new birth certificate should drop the transsexual adjective and demand that, as the law intended, they become the legally acknowledged sex not the one that was assigned at birth based on a visual examination.

That’s why I support the “Harry Benjamin Syndrome” approach and why I will simply demand my rights as a female not some mythical third gender. I can buy ranges of sexuality but I think trying to change society’s view of sex in terms of male and female is futile and counter productive.

I support anything that eases discrimination through transition but transition is not a permanent state it ends when you have legal recognition.

Notice I separate medical and legal deliberately as the degree of medical intervention you need will vary enormously from none to a lot.

So well done HM Government this is a step forward despite the exclusions to placate men who have this horror of finding out their female lover was once considered a man.

I just wish Press For Change would stop banging on about Trans and gender confused rights and fight the real battle the exploitation of transsexuals in transition.

Please visit http://www.ts-si.org/

Dedicated to the acceptance, medical treatment, & legal protection of individuals in the process of changing their anatomical sex, & supporting their transition into society.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Dial “L” for love…

Some people bring you smiles
Some people bring you hope
Some also give their love
That was more than I could hope

So when you can believe
That it’s only love you need
Then hope becomes a smile
Because you’ve gone that extra mile

OK I’ll never make a poet! “L” is far better at it than me but today I’ve got the “cat that’s got the cream” look and it’s smiles for everyone.

Just went to shops but it’s surprising how many more people smile back & say hello when you got the look of love in your eyes and are obviously happy inside.

“L” and I have agreed not to put each other through so much again. I think that will happen as it’s usually me that kicks things off and boy have I learnt a lot in the last few days. Well more really as my “roller coaster” emotional ride with “L” has sorted some of my many personal issues out.

I’m just a smiley cat today…

Monday, 10 December 2007

Love is not an on/off switch…

I’m not sure we’d be human beings with a soul if it was.

To say “L” and I have been to hell and back would be the understatement of the century.

Who hurt whom first? The most? And who can extract vengeance the best?

We’ve done it all today.

I’ve said & threatened stupid things, which I would never actually do but “L” believed it and I suppose I wanted that at the time.

There’s been so much hurt flying about that the flak has hit a few people. I don’t think either of us wanted that.

Both of us have understanding friends and that helps.

Both of us have let our psychological issues take over but at least both of us acknowledge we need help.

The “prize” (if that’s right word) is still there if we can sort ourselves out.

I think we both believe we can and want to try.

Who said love was easy?

For the record…

Hi "L",

I’ve had a chance to sleep and collect my thoughts.

I need you to know that I still love you.

I know I was totally wrong to react under stress the way I did.

My problem is that I can’t cope with my anxiety and paranoia.

The Maggie you get sometimes is not the real me.

But all these are just attempts at excuses for something that was inexcusable.

I’m sorry that I destroyed our relationship.

You know I dreamt of a New Year with you. Going somewhere like The Riverside and kissing you in public, at the stroke of midnight, to show the world that we were a special couple.

I dreamt of getting my own little place near you to be able to see you a few times a week either at yours or mine so we could be lovers and friends in a way that would not cause you problems with family or friends.

Still that’s a fantasy as all dreams are now my world with you has come crashing down.

I’m not asking you to reconsider as I’ve caused you too much hurt and it’s best you find someone younger and less complex than me.

But I wanted you to know what I really think about you.

Love,

Maggie. XXX

PS

The Gravesham housing application forms arrived today – just made me cry…

Sunday, 9 December 2007

Three phone calls and a poem…

Well “L” and I have spoken about the weekend and its results. “L” read me a poem that basically said I was consumed by jealousy and fear of “L” going back to her Ex.

Maybe there is some truth in that but what broke my resolve to try to make the relationship work was the sequence of calls and events that took place.

I don’t want to write that detail here (or argue it) but I didn’t write the earlier blog entry without reason.

That the relationship is irretrievably over is very obvious from the tone of voice of the conversations and I think it’s for the best.

I am on a path of unstoppable self-destruction and all I would have achieved is taking “L” with me. I saw that danger at the beginning and its not diminished.

You know of all my transsexual friends not one of them has a solid meaningful relationship and only one of them has a successful career and that’s in the sex industry.

I think it is in the nature of things that that is the fate you face when you step outside society’s conventions. You become the cause of their prejudice.

A loving relationship for a transsexual person with a non-transsexual is almost impossible and that’s a hard lesson to take on board.

I’ll be pleased when my battles in this life are over and I can rest in peace…

On the death of love...

The one thing I’ve learnt is that the end of love is always very painful and the recriminations of who was to blame will achieve nothing.

There was one exception and that was Chris who was my true soul mate and has become like a sister to me but then I think perhaps you’re only allowed that once in your life.

I’ve had the most distressing but revealing 48 hours ending in 12 hours of deep sleep during which my brain has recovered from an emotional pummelling orchestrated by someone I feel is pure evil.

I find it impossible to think of the extreme end of transvestic fetishism with their love of BDSM as anything other than evil perversion. My experience of these people is that they are universally control freaks and manipulators who are expert in using mind control methods to achieve their aims.

My former love remains under the spell of one of these people. It’s just as well I’m not vindictive or Northallerton and RAF Leeming would be covered with ChristinaFrost’s tvChix profile page LOL

I think though the real mistake was mine in giving my unconditional love to someone diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I find aspects of this condition well beyond my ability as a Christian to turn the other cheek though I have kept to my faith and forgiven. The issue I have with Borderline Personality Disorder is how much is actually real & controlled by the person diagnosed as having it?

The old Biblical Evil Spirit and possession by “Demons” is probably as valid a description as ever and the cure depends on wanting them to leave sadly some people simply don’t want that to happen. I think that is what makes then switch so easily from love to hatred and not remotely think about what they’re doing. OK I can be stubborn and a poor listener but I am in touch with my inner most thoughts (perhaps too much for others to like) whereas BPD people don’t get the concept!

The last 48 hours were totally predictable but impossible to stop because the two people concerned wanted it to happen. Part of their mind game fun was to damage me as much as possible for their respective amusement and yes they achieved that objective.

It was classic psychological manipulation create false sense of security, project happiness, have a panic attack, create real distress and worry by manipulation of events, turn the tables through accusation and blame, force a disagreement and then pretend to reconcile and your victim should be under your control.

The problem is that this has been done to me too many times now for me not to see it for what it is – pure evil.

No matter how strong my love I can’t recover from this as it simply went too far.

I’m drawing on every last ounce of my strength to write this and there’s not much left of that to face the determined attack of my employer next week.

It’s hardly surprising that so many transsexual people fail to survive the transition experiences they are subjected to. The universal hatred and exploitation by evil people is immense.

I have to try to fight on for my transsexual brothers and sisters but it’s not easy…

Thursday, 6 December 2007

God Bless our National Health Service...

I am a private patient of Dr Richard Curtis of The London Gender Clinic as my Primary Care Trust (PCT) refused to fund my referral, as it was not “an appropriate clinical pathway” preferring to try to force me into the mire of invented science and prejudice that masquerades as Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic.

Charing Cross GIC is the bastion of the psychiatric charlatans that should be struck off the medical register for peddling the myth that gender dysphoria is a mental illness.

Anyway as I qualified for surgery under the international standards of care my GP applied for funding for surgery, as Dr Curtis was happy to endorse it. My Primary Care Trust immediately decided it needed to review its policy as it now had a patient asking for funding.

Now 12 months later they have decided on their policy after some prompting by my MP.

The policy is typical of everything the National Health Service fails to do.

The patient’s well being is ignored by people preferring to peddle ineffective medicine at huge cost making sure the administrators are superbly well paid.

PCTs have become unaccountable and above scrutiny.

However they do deserve ridicule:

This is my latest letter to my MP having received a copy of their proposals:

To: Janet Dean MP

Dear Janet,

I find the recent response and documents from Stuart Poyner very sad and distressing.

It’s typical of the institutionalised prejudice against transsexual people that permeates the National Health Service.

It is not a policy of clinical care it is a defence of the vested financial interests of a small minority of discredited gender specialists at Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic.

It seems that activists like Press For Change and myself still have a huge battle on our hands to have these arbitrary unscientific rules changed.

You will no doubt recall we got the Royal College of Psychiatrists report shelved principally because of the single entry point and stereotypical approach.

Lets look at my clinical case:

I have a HM Government recognised Gender Specialist that has recommended me for surgery with a UK surgeon. (See attached report.)

I have a totally effective hormone and anti-androgen regime that has dramatically increased my “acceptability” to the general public.

I exceed all the internationally accepted criteria for readiness for surgery.

I am awaiting formal approval of my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate.

That makes me female full stop.

I can have the surgery within months if I fund it myself.

The surgeon I want operates both privately and within the NHS.

Now lets look at South Staffordshire Policy, as it would affect me:

Firstly despite having been given a “clean bill of health” by one of their own psychiatrists I now have to wait for an unspecified time for some unspecified assessment and approval from their panel.

Secondly I have no choice (lets forget patient centric care shall we) but wait (typically 2 years) to see Charing Cross GIC.

When I eventually get to Charing Cross GIC I have to either stop taking my anti-androgens as they don’t approve the one I take (which means I slowly revert to male) or discharge myself from their “care”.

I have to waste a further two years re-transitioning under their supervision.

Should I survive the effects of the first decision I will not get the surgeon I’ve researched and trust but one allocated by Charing Cross GIC.

Strangely enough none of that is in my clinical interest to do so it isn’t going to happen. It could take 5 years then they’ll argue I’m too old!

My Poynor is well aware of all this so the Policy as regards me is in effect a blanket ban on surgery unless I can find my own way of funding it.

This is very clever by the PCT who no doubt would argue in court “ah but this isn’t an illegal blanket ban as there’s a way through to surgery”.

The counter is of course that their policy is a denial if my human rights and is discriminatory by treating me differently to someone assigned female at birth even though I will posses a female birth certificate.

I think this looks like something for the European Courts to decide, as we had to use them to force through our rights and get the Gender Recognition Act.

It’s all so sad and a waste of time especially when you look at the cost of my surgery versus the risks to my health in denying me and the cost of defence in the courts.

Everyone ignores my policy suggestion that “funding for surgery will be provided to anyone who obtains a gender recognition certificate”. Why? Simple – because it gives control to the patient and that would reduce the opportunity for prejudiced people in the NHS to exploit us.

Thank you for trying to help me over the past two years and Merry Christmas.

Yours sincerely,

Maggie Fiona Fox

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Heal the mind to save the body…

Readers of this blog may not be aware of my battles with the bigots of my hometown and workplace. It all came to a head some 6 months ago when I was confronted by an amazing sequence of events that broke my spirit.

I’ve battled with suicidal feelings ever since and whilst I’ve managed to survive the short term I’ve had to seek help for the longer term. My stress levels are about to go into overdrive as the pressure is put on me by my employer that will lead to my dismissal.

At the moment I’m suspended pending feedback report to my grievances. This will be a whitewash report and they’ll ask me to return. I’ll say no because of risk of physical attack from walking home through the town at 10pm at night and the state of my mental health.

The health issue might delay the inevitable but I doubt it.

This will only be resolved in the High Court and that is highly stressful for me plus the risk of attack by “disgruntled” employees will go off the scale when they see it all in the press.

This has been a concerted coordinated campaign by management, my local union branch and a few employees to totally destroy me. Luckily I got the support of my Regional Union Office so I can fight my case through the courts.

I’m applying for priority re-housing elsewhere amd I’ve registered with home swapper a service for council tenants to swap locations so I’m doing all I can there.

I saw my GP today who’s referred me back to the psychiatrist I saw when I was well. I was pleased to see my GP instantly saw that my mental health issues are not related to my transition or my existing medication. I was on them long enough before my reaction to the sustained psychological attack on me by my employer.

For new readers there’s two years of blog entries on another site talking about my battles with establishing myself against a raft of prejudice and discrimination.

See Diary of a Biscuit Making Transsexual at

http://maggiets.spaces.live.com/

Luckily I’ve had some good news I’ve had the serum testosterone test and the result is 0.8 nmol/L against reference range for adult females 0.5 to 2.6.

That means everything is exactly as it should be regarding my hormone treatment.

I will make it but it would be nice to have some professional help…

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

There are two people in my life that I love more than I can ever say.

Chris, my ex, who gave me the skills to overcome the physical constraints of my Ankylosing Spondylitis so that I could eventually face up to and become the person I am. She has supported me as my “sister” through my transition.

And there is “L”.

“L” has taught me so much and loved me despite me still “running away from myself” and repeatedly trying to destroy the relationship. I’ll never know quite how it all happened but it has and I thank God for bringing us together.

Life can appear a random series of unconnected events and whilst we all have free will then that’ll always appear to be the case but that ignores unconditional love. It is love that gives us our meaning and direction and I’ve learnt that from “L”.

Last night we had the most amazing conversation. There is absolutely nothing we can’t share. OK sometimes the strength and depth of it hurts and one or both of us cry but that’s a transitory price as we two become one in terms of our understanding of each other’s innermost thoughts, fears and emotions.

It’s scary as hell sometimes but neither of us would want to stop now. We’ve invested so much truth and that guarantees us a real and sustained friendship forever.

We are lovers too and long may that continue but the physical side is secondary to the spiritual one. The strength of what we have is based on that unconditional love that everyone needs to fulfil his or her destiny and that’s the most precious gift you can give or receive.

Christmas “lull” aside I’m going into a major period of testing of my resolve and beliefs in truth & justice. With “L” at my side I should survive the stress of it all and come out stronger. Watch this space… LOL

Saturday, 1 December 2007

I think “Oh no I’ve made Maggie Fox cry”…

Went to Joana my hairdresser on Friday in Cheetham Hill. Joana had gone home to Ghana but her girls were a credit to her managing a very busy salon with great skill. I had my own hair re-coloured (Sarah) then quick tighten (Margaret) and the best bit of straighten & trim (Sarah).

Now Sarah is someone I trust totally if I had been able to pick a daughter I’d have picked her. We chatted about frivolous stuff and then my problems of not being able to maintain a sustained happy personality and my drifts into despair. In typical Sarah style she said “You mustn’t fail now you are an inspiration for others not as strong as yourself” She said a lot more but I got another key to survival in the do this for others not for yourself.

That’s when I filled up with emotion and she said when we speak like this I think “oh no I’ve made Maggie Fox cry”! I just smiled and said “but you say all the right things and in the right way”.

You know she had simply reminded me of the purpose of my existence to fight for those less able than myself to withstand evil in whatever form.

If I needed a further reminder of that it was the junkie sitting begging on the wet pavement near the station. How can we in all conscience say we are a rich civilised country if we can’t help these people?

By help I don’t mean the actions of the fascist dictatorship we endure from our Scots leader who epitomises the corruption of socialism to the advantage of the capitalist elite. The attitude that people outside the workplace need harassing into work or lose their benefits is a national disgrace.

I may not be able to do much as a lone voice in the wilderness but I’ll try because the way we treat the less fortunate people on this island has to change fundamentally and forever.

The unfortunate and disadvantaged are my brothers and sisters…