I know I’ve been severely damaged psychologically by my experiences at work, so much so that whilst I can portray a “normal” exterior some of the time the reality is that inside I just want to curl up and die.
I had it all planned too so that I’d be found after the event and not stopped. This isn’t the short term cry for help some people make this is not seeing a future worth having. I still have to fight that daily though I’m getting better at it.
I’m determined to see the legal process through for justice to minimise the chance of anyone else having to endure the destruction of the spirit I’ve had. I also want my Gender Recognition Certificate so I’m not in any short-term danger of ending it all. But longer term –who knows?
I’m not strong enough for other stuff though and that’s the dilemma. I don’t trust the NHS at all to separate my change of gender from the stress recovery I need. I’ve researched all the anti-depressant drugs and they are all dangerous, in my view. I’m not prepared to take any. I already take Cypterone Acetate that some doctors consider an anti-depressant though others consider it the opposite. I spent 6 months on that before my encounter with evil with no adverse effects so I am not coming off that under any circumstances.
I’ve concluded a bit of skunk would do me more good than anything as it’s a double whammy gives you a lift and reduces my pain from Ankylosing Spondylitis so I’ll give that a try if I need to. I don’t particularly want to create a dependence though as I prefer cannabis as a social thing not a requirement.
So I’m debating seeing my GP as if the Company as is most likely now decides to terminate my contract then I need money to live and job seekers allowance is not appropriate when I’m not mentally strong enough to do a job of any description anyway. Decision is next week when the meeting is scheduled to take place. Typically they’ve not even bothered to advise the venue when they know I can’t face returning to the factory for a meeting – nothing like keeping someone under maximum stress is there?
Now on the personal side of my life, taking a little time out has helped as I’ve found I can handle being friends after my brief but intense love affair. OK it’s a bit like trying to walk on eggshells but it’s better than completely losing someone I care so much about. I know if I hadn’t been such damaged goods then it would have been more but I did gain a will to live from them even though it’s a fragile thing that I have to protect.
Still slowly and one day at a time has to be the golden rule from now on until I can take the stress of a normal life again. Mind you does anyone have one of those?
Oh I got an acknowledgement of my Gender Recognition Application today and I’m number 284 this year – we are a rare breed LOL So I’m in a good mood today and it’s Manchester and Joana on Friday so I got things to look forward to.