Thursday, 29 November 2007

No problem its only 4 hours & 3 changes of trains…

I think that’s what I was supposed to say to my employer for their kind decision to hold the grievance investigation feedback meeting next week at their Head Office.

What they actually got as a reply from me was: -

This is a ludicrous demand.

I am not prepared to travel to XXX, which is a 4-hour journey involving 3 train changes.

More importantly you have no idea of the deep psychological damage that YYY has inflicted on me.

I will not attend a meeting at any YYY Offices.

We agreed at our last meeting that our next meeting would be at a safe venue for me such as the Derby ZZZ Hotel.

I hope that was clear!

I’d decided to ask my GP to refer me back to the psychiatrist who I saw early on in my transition who concluded that I was not suffering from any mental illness. I do trust her to advise me how to cope with what she may well diagnose as “post traumatic stress disorder”.

I don’t care about the mental illness label. I want to somehow get back to the girl I was before the day I stared into the eyes of evil. At the moment my spirit peeks out of my soul does what it has to and then darts back in.

I’m OK with those I trust/love but everyone else I see as a threat. I have lost so much of the bubbly Maggs Fox and I want my personality back please.

On other side of stuff;

I got fined £14 by my credit card company for going over limit even though it was their interest charges that did it! Don’t you love Barclays?

I got my original documents back with a letter saying my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate has been verified. My application will be passed to the panel in “due course”.

I think “due course” is better than “in the fullness of time” (that’s never) but I suppose it’s civil service speak for “look mush we’ll do this when we feel like it” LOL

Hey nearly another day done, paid my rent & it’s off to Joana my hairdresser tomorrow…

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Taking time and getting help to recover…

I know I’ve been severely damaged psychologically by my experiences at work, so much so that whilst I can portray a “normal” exterior some of the time the reality is that inside I just want to curl up and die.

I had it all planned too so that I’d be found after the event and not stopped. This isn’t the short term cry for help some people make this is not seeing a future worth having. I still have to fight that daily though I’m getting better at it.

I’m determined to see the legal process through for justice to minimise the chance of anyone else having to endure the destruction of the spirit I’ve had. I also want my Gender Recognition Certificate so I’m not in any short-term danger of ending it all. But longer term –who knows?

I’m not strong enough for other stuff though and that’s the dilemma. I don’t trust the NHS at all to separate my change of gender from the stress recovery I need. I’ve researched all the anti-depressant drugs and they are all dangerous, in my view. I’m not prepared to take any. I already take Cypterone Acetate that some doctors consider an anti-depressant though others consider it the opposite. I spent 6 months on that before my encounter with evil with no adverse effects so I am not coming off that under any circumstances.

I’ve concluded a bit of skunk would do me more good than anything as it’s a double whammy gives you a lift and reduces my pain from Ankylosing Spondylitis so I’ll give that a try if I need to. I don’t particularly want to create a dependence though as I prefer cannabis as a social thing not a requirement.

So I’m debating seeing my GP as if the Company as is most likely now decides to terminate my contract then I need money to live and job seekers allowance is not appropriate when I’m not mentally strong enough to do a job of any description anyway. Decision is next week when the meeting is scheduled to take place. Typically they’ve not even bothered to advise the venue when they know I can’t face returning to the factory for a meeting – nothing like keeping someone under maximum stress is there?

Now on the personal side of my life, taking a little time out has helped as I’ve found I can handle being friends after my brief but intense love affair. OK it’s a bit like trying to walk on eggshells but it’s better than completely losing someone I care so much about. I know if I hadn’t been such damaged goods then it would have been more but I did gain a will to live from them even though it’s a fragile thing that I have to protect.

Still slowly and one day at a time has to be the golden rule from now on until I can take the stress of a normal life again. Mind you does anyone have one of those?

Oh I got an acknowledgement of my Gender Recognition Application today and I’m number 284 this year – we are a rare breed LOL So I’m in a good mood today and it’s Manchester and Joana on Friday so I got things to look forward to.

Monday, 26 November 2007

From betrayal to trust…

Went to Derby today to meet my new solicitor Richard provided by my Union.

Now don’t you love train fares £5.60 single or £5.80 return as I needed a return it sort of felt OK LOL

Anyway it was cold & dry and train was 6 mins late. A quick check of the ladies on the platform revealed only two if us wore makeup and only one (me) a skirt. Come on girls if you want to be like men well….

Anyway nice brisk walk across Derby (in heels too) to save taxi fare and I’m at Rowleys Derby Office nice place though not offered coffee (only moan) but to be fair got nice one later when I did ask.

We went through the ET1 draft & Richard’s questions and I handed over the devastating evidence we have. It went very well and I very carefully accessed his body language and decided I could trust him fully.

OK he’s a Manchester United season ticket holder but everyone has to have one fault LOL

So next move is he’ll read everything and discuss my case with the Barrister that specialises in Harassment High Court Cases. The show as they say is now on the road.

We have to “show personal injury” so I’ve agreed to meet a Psychiatrist paid by the Union as I don’t want that assessment in the public domain until the trial. No matter how much I’m suffering the NHS is not in on that one. I’ve upset too many NHS Psychiatrists by rightly ridiculing “Gender Specialists” and their bogus mental illness theories.

So today I put my trust in a man and my future now depends on his and my Barrister’s skill. I don’t trust easily but when I do I commit fully. The draft ET1 will not now be submitted to a Tribunal – my decision.

So to all those that betrayed me I say I’m still fighting for justice not just for me but for all transsexual women as I know what I went through would have seen some others take their own life. I still can’t be sure I won’t do that, that’s how badly I was broken.

Next week it’s meet the Company for the results of the investigation into my grievances – I can hardly wait LOL

Sunday, 25 November 2007

Less is more…

Been in a “so so” mood today but rather than resort to chemical stimulants or alcohol as I’ve done in the past I cleaned the bathroom.

I find that very therapeutic. I’ve got an enamel bath and it gleams when it’s clean like no plastic one can. The council wanted to change it for a cheapo plastic one; with contractors selling mine off at a profit, they didn’t succeed on that.

So after getting a gleaming bathroom I tried cutting my make up down even further. I can get away with just a minor blend in of dabs of foundation & powder but to look right I must use eyeliner & mascara.

I go from dowdy to looking sexy with those two. My eyes and smile are my assets really so if I emphasise eyes then I’m in seduction mode LOL

I think whilst some aspects of my short love affair hurt me the pluses I gained have outweighed the tears.

I’m confident, realise I’m a sexy, attractive, older woman and I’m not afraid of being in love anymore.

Think it’s time to start going back to Vanilla in Manchester well after a live band of course.

Saturday, 24 November 2007

Don’t give it too much bend girl…

I cut my remaining long nails today to give my guitar a good belting – has to be done don’t cha know. LOL

Maybe it was a mistake to belt it out with Eric Clapton & BB King playing, two of my heroes, well guitar gods really. Yeah I was in London Marquee Club where someone scrawled beneath “Elvis is King” “but Clapton is God”. Happy days!

I once saw Eric Clapton break a string whilst playing with the Yardbirds. I counted 24 and he’d restrung and was back in perfectly – now that was class. Shame I not got a replacement so it’s guitar shop next Tuesday as Monday I’m in Derby for meeting with the new solicitors my Union have provided for my harassment or discrimination case.

Just as well really cos my fingers are shot from playing that’s because my fingers are soft so they hurt if I overdo it and yes I was giving it some bend on the frets. Don’t care though cos it’s fun.

So after Eric & BB it’s Sheryl Crow my voice coach, I just love singing along with her then it’s Groove Armada. Earlier I did Emma, Cathy Dennis and the Kaiser Chiefs. Eclectic tastes or what?

Music is my thing, it lifts my mood and I can’t envisage me living without it.

You can stuff your television unless it’s possibly MTV LOL I’d rather have music on & either play guitar or read or waste my time on the World Wide Web. Mind you it’s surprising what you find and who you meet on there! Well once you get past the geeks and freaks I suppose. LOL

So I now need a new G-string that’s for my guitar cos I got a few of the other sort upstairs in my undie drawer, yes including the jewelled back types, sign of a misspent adolescence? Well OK I was a wild thing in the early days. Mind you the PVC dress still comes in handy LOL Must find more excuses to wear that!

I was going to go out tonight but decided on a quiet one and being sensible and paying some bills. Trouble is sensible doesn’t really fit my natural personality as it comes back to normal. It’s gonna be harder to do sensible in the future. You reading this "L"? LOL

I need some live music fixes soon and maybe bend a G-string too…

Friday, 23 November 2007

It’s been a great day again...

Chris came for coffee and toast for lunch. Marmalade & Marmite yummy (not on same piece) though maybe next time - no let’s not go there LOL

Anyway she brought a CD she’d made of pics of her trip to Italy and the barn conversion she’s having done out there. The location is amazing in the national park mountains not that far from Rome. She & Paul are brave doing it by many people’s standards, but why not? The views are breathtaking and the village is cute. I’m sure it will all work out well for them.

Anyway after lunch Chris went off to have her hair done and I went to solicitor and did the statutory declaration that is needed for the Gender Recognition Act. The letter from the company arrived this morning so after checking everything I posted my application.

I had taken the precaution of getting authorised copies of the critical documents in case things get lost plus I did some copies of the easily replaced stuff. After doing the copies who should I see but Julian our town’s official gay. LOL

Actually that’s very unfair as he is nothing less than a Global Gay Warrior literally traveling the world in defence of Gay Rights. He’s always supported me and has encouraged me to get involved in LBGT movement. Anyway I had agreed to go to a LBGT forum some time ago so we swapped contact details again as I’d lost his.

We got into a long conversation so he bought me a drink at the town local. Now this is no ordinary pub this is the hard-core town pub dating back centuries. It’s the most dangerous venue for me; I’d never go there alone. I had a wry smile when he told me his family also went back centuries and that he was related to virtually everyone in the town. LOL

Made me think too in sense that the bigots are predominately newcomers. If the “old-school” is about to fully accept me then my fears of violence against me will diminish. I can’t see me staying around long enough to find out though as the abuse I get is always from people who knew me or of me before transition. Chris had made that point earlier too.

Anyway I enjoyed my drink in the inner sanctum of the town. I’m in such a good place at the moment that I can handle whatever the world throws at me. Chris thought "L" had already achieved wonders with me and she’s right.

The golden rule is drop negative thinkers from your world and make the things you really want happen…

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Another nail down but the smile is bigger…

Yeah broke another nail this time pulling on my ankle boots nearly chucked the boots out but then I’ve not got a rubbish chute to do the job properly (private joke that) LOL

Received my letter from Dr Curtis for my Gender Recognition certificate almost boring really “my opinion is that Maggie Fox has fulfilled the criteria for obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate and in due course a new Birth Certificate in her female name and gender status”.

Nah LOL It’s dead exciting really – you should have seen my face when I read that!

In separate letter to my GP I loved these comments from Dr Curtis:

“She passes well”

“Her voice is good”

“She has put on weight recently which is feminising”

WAYHAY you should see my smile!

I chuckled at “her manager does not accept her and her Union has been variably supportive” that’s supreme understatement but this blog is not about those issues!

Anyway popped in to get my GPs report and was told, by my GP, that my PCT will complete its full policy review regarding treatment of transsexual people before the year is out!

On her report to Gender Recognition Panel under heading of - If your patient has not undergone surgery you need to explain why not - she put: “surgery is currently not funded from local PCT”

That’s dynamite as a blanket ban is illegal so if my PCT don’t change policy I got them!

You know I’ve got the strangest feeling on all this, as Dr Phil Thomas was my first choice NHS surgeon.

I’m sure I’m nearly there as they say one final push and I’m done!

Chris & I do coffee tomorrow then its do Statutory Declaration and it’s application in. That’s 4 days from qualifying.

This girl don’t hang around when she really wants something…

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Blood on the strings from playing love songs for you…

Had a bit of a lazy cow day after the last two days travelling.

I damaged my left index finger last Thursday putting the wheelie bins out so I’ve not been able to play guitar for a week but I made up for it today playing along initially to Mel C, Kaiser Chiefs and Emma. Guess who I got those CDs from? LOL

Got my version of “Love’s not a competition” pretty good when oops too much flourish on the final chord & cut my finger. I tend to drag my plectrum finger as I hit strings. It makes for a nice sound. It happens naturally, it’s the way I play though someone told me ZZ Top’s guitarist spend ages perfecting it! LOL

And I broke a nail on my left hand! It’s a pain trying to have long nails and play guitar. I didn’t get that problem when I was at the food factory, as because of hygiene rules you had to keep them short. Still now I’m “retired” it’s grow and paint – love it!

Despite the “set backs” it was good to chill and relax doing what I like best. Good music and a guitar I don’t need a lot to keep me happy really.

I won't be the one to disappoint you anymore,
I know, I've said all this and that you've heard it all before.
The trick is getting you to think that all this was your idea.
And that this was everything you've ever wanted out of here.

Love's not a competition but I'm winning
At least I thought I was but there's no way of knowing.
You know what it's like when you're new to the game but I'm not,
I won't be the one to disappoint you,

I won't be the one to disappoint you anymore

Simple song but it means a lot really when I look at my life at the moment.

I feel incredibly good at the moment. I still have no idea where I’ll end up in my life but do any of us know that really? I don’t fear the real me anymore and I’m not running away from anything anymore.

That’s a huge achievement considering the dark places where I’ve been and there is one person who gave me the final missing piece of my life – she knows who she is.

Blood on the strings – that’s a small price to pay…

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Now we are two…

Well Monday 19 November 2007 was a defining date for me as I’ve now completed the arbitrary two-year qualification for gender recognition. I’d booked a meeting with my Consultant, as I need his report for my application.

Dr Richard Curtis is one of the few members of the medical profession I trust and I know is working for my best interests. He’s done the same journey and the relationship between us is first class with both sides able to tell it as it is.

I was pleased that he could see the big difference in me from 12 months ago. Mind you I was a tad anorexic then, OK yes I did look like a concentration camp victim, so I should look bit better now!

He was very concerned that I was looking at Dr Suporn In Thailand for my surgery as he felt his technique & requirement for a long period under anaesthetic was dangerous for me with my history of Ankylosing Spondylitis.

OK if everything went perfectly but complications are far more likely with my history of cysts & varicose veins. Ending up in a Thai Hospital not speaking Thai doesn’t appeal and could be very dangerous. We discussed UK surgeons & Dr Phil Thomas looks favourite so I now need to talk to some of “his girls”.

Still that’s a way off yet as the issue of funding it still looms large.

Anyway we discussed other stuff but that doesn’t belong in this blog.

After Dr Curtis it was time for a decision Plan A go to Gravesend stay with my new lover or Plan B stay with Bianca in Streatham. Plan A however had taken a big kicking during the journey with texts saying don’t come due to panic attacks. So after a brief further exchange of texts & a phone call it was off to Bianca’s in Streatham.

Quickish turn around (mirrors set too high for short arse like me lol) and it’s on bus to Soho to Trash Palace to see The Pretty Route a four-piece group hailing from Brighton. Bianca was fretting (jokingly) that we were late and might miss them but nah 7:30 start, do me a favour, they not even finished sound check when we got there at 7:50ish. LOL So a Sol lager packet of crisps and three Budweiser Budvar later we adjourned to China town for meal.

Trash Palace was cool club/pub allegedly gay/lesbian but it was in reality more mixed – nice way to find out someone’s preference if they hit on you. Few cool beautiful types in there but not all.

Got involved in a conversation about labia piercing in the loo (as you do) and one of the girls gave me quizzical look – “where you from?” she said. "Uttoxeter" I said she laughed & said “thought so I used to work at leisure centre there!” It’s a small world. LOL Mind you her friend said “You’re dead sexy you” to me so I laughed but it quite made my night especially as she said it again as I left!

Brilliant meal in the restaurant with plastic neon Miss Piggy in the window and a good bottle of Rose – well it is year of the pig. We took a late night bus back to Streatham with me banging on all the way back about my love life or lack of it. I’d avoided smoking (well except for one almost sick making drag on Bianca’s ciggy aside) & drugs which considering I was a bit emotional was rather good. Coffee & inflatable mattress later and I was off to land of nod!

Came back home today grilled steak, South African chardonnay & chocolate as I’m still celebrating OK? Well I'm celebrating being a woman but now my love life lets say that’s another story.

Had huge conversation with Chris and that helped as it always does…

Sunday, 18 November 2007

I’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death…

If you have faith then you can walk through and come out the other side.

I’ve probably learnt more about myself as a person in the last few weeks than my entire prior life.

It’s not been without pain, as over the years I had became expert at running away from myself.

Learning to trust & love without any preconditions is the hardest lesson anyone has to learn.

To demand or expect nothing in return is tough (God that’s an understatement) but it is what I’ve always believed true love is in my heart.

My soul is finally content that I’ve found an enlightenment others spend their entire lives chasing and I found it through the most incredible circumstances.

That is what faith is: the belief in the power of love that lifts us above our mortal beings into the realms of the spiritual.

If you are religious you might add a name at this point.

I partially learnt this through my Christian upbringing but its only now that I’ve moved from faith to true belief in Love through someone else who’ll maybe never quite realise the gift they’ve given me.

I’d better lighten up now and just enjoy it…

Tomorrow I’m celebrating completion of two years of “becoming the real me” but it wasn’t until very recently I finally knew who the real me was!

Friday, 16 November 2007

The eyes have it…

I’ve always believed the eyes are the windows to the soul and you can tell so much when you really look.

At work it was the look in the eyes of a senior production manageress that broke me. I never believed another woman could have such hatred in their eyes but she did.

Therefore it’s no real surprise that it took the look of love in another’s eyes to pull me out of my dark place.

And yes I’m out forever.

Today despite my cold I’ve had a great time. Everything went like clockwork and to budget lol I’ve booked my solicitor for my statutory declaration and dropped off forms to GP I’m back to old organised me too!

Chris rang but we didn’t meet, as I don’t want to pass on my cold. Got some soup & some curry (that should kill it) for the weekend, as I don’t want to feel crap next week.

I’m lucky really as whenever I get the “is she?” look I just flash a smile and get one back. It worked a treat today and I pass the voice test too so there is really no reason now why I can’t go back to what I do best.

I’ve found that I can swap my maisonette with anyone else in the UK under the “house swap” system! OK it’ll take a time but I checked with my landlord and they said someone swapped with someone in Scotland last week!

I fancy the South East again as that’s where I know I belong – I did grow up in London and lived there for 10 years and I still get the buzz every time I get there!

Of course there is now another reason but I must take lots of time there after my stupidity in throwing someone’s love for me back in their face.

I can wait.

So despite the attempts to destroy me at work and others to drag me down to their level I’m going to make it.

Life is good and it’ll get better…

Thursday, 15 November 2007

There is only one happiness in life to love and be loved...

Wish I'd written that but George Sand beat me to it!

Today I went to my hairdressers. I'm not sure if retail therapy or a hair do is best for us girls. I suppose both work but, for me if my hair feels good I feel good.

I feel good.

Joana was away sorting some other business so Margaret (she who doesn't speak) and Sarah sorted me out. Sarah washed and straightened and Margaret tightened and added some.

Altered the fringe, dunno whether I'll keep it yet.

Main thing though was that I was so chilled all day even with the sniffles from my cold.

Sarah could see the difference in me.

I found myself talking about the future after my dispute with my employer is over. I'm mentally prepared now for whatever shit they throw my way and I'll not just survive it but pay it back to them with interest.

I know as a Christian I must forgive and turn the other cheek but this comes under pay to Caesar that which belongs to Caesar.

The thing they forget is that my God is Love so when I asked for forgiveness for my intended end I got pointed at the most wonderful person I've ever met and my life was changed.

I needed space and time to think and I've done that and realised that the reaction of the last few days was the inevitable reaction to facing up to the real me.

My new friend jumped on my protective shell, broke it into a million pieces and made me face my soul without running away.

I thought my spirit was destroyed by the events of the last six months but it had just retreated into my soul such that it could only be released by unconditional love.

I've been given that.

That of course now begs the question where next?

Is it run away from each other and miss the opportunity or embrace it?

We'll never finally decide that at distance that's a face to face job.

I know I can promise that the panics and scares will disappear and that we will be mutually stronger than we ever believed possible.

If you can tell everyone that it's love then happiness follows...

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Love isn’t finding someone you can live with its finding someone you can’t live without.

Well in my case it’s bit more really in sense it’s about a reason to live too.

I’ve taken a huge kicking in my life and I’m not finding it easy to just do the simple things like just making someone happy.

I was always tense and unable to relax and only Chris has really understood me but then she remains my soul mate, confident and best friend. So I told her everything that had happened after a bit of nudging.

I was relieved she fully understood and gave me some good advice as had Steffi earlier but being stubborn old Maggs I need it at least twice to act on it!

So it’s yes to being friends and just seeing where we go but most of all smile & make it fun.

That’s hard for me but I’ll do my best to make my love happy I do hope the rollercoaster is on the level now…

It's all over now..

I suppose intense total love affairs are always doomed if that is what it was though I can’t find the right word to describe the love I’ve got.

I’ve cried every day, not superficial tears, but deep soul wrenching tears that have cut me to the core and I can’t handle it.

Some of my friends think I’m just running away as I often do from problems but this has not been like that.

I love this person more than anyone I’ve ever met but I have to end this now to save them incredible future pain and grief with their family and friends.

If I had let this relationship develop into us becoming an item the problems we would have faced would have destroyed us both anyway.

So I had to decide take the pain now or later for both of us.

When you love someone as deeply then it’s very hard to do this especially as I have to rule out the friends / former lovers bit too.

I just can’t handle anything other than a clean break.

I will pray for forgiveness for what I’ve done and for my love lost…

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Back in the USSR…

Not really but I am at home again after an amazingly good mini holiday. Well lot more than a holiday really LOL

So after such an intense few days it’s decision time. Just friends or more?

Now I know when you got to make a vital decision they say make two columns and write the pluses in one and minuses in other then weigh up the columns and the decision is easy.

Fine so the minuses are age difference, distance, affect on family, friends’ etc. etc. whilst in the plus column are just two words – True Love. No contest really the plus column has it.

So I’m going back again to Kent after I see my specialist in London and maybe my lover will come to see me soon. It’s just a matter of cat sitters really!

Mind you like all intense relationships between similar personalities it is volatile. We really can both go off on one on the phone or text. I think the you’re dumped is at deuce lol That is at distance as face to face we just can’t row as our eyes give away our true feelings.

It’s going to be interesting if nothing else but I wouldn’t change this for the world. Hey ho away we go…

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Greetings from Gravesend...

I'm in Gravesend, Kent posting this. It's been an incredible few days. We went to Rochester yesterday & Bluewater today.

Both wonderful new experiences for me.

Rochester was very pretty and we just chatted browsed and had lunch in a little cafe.

Bluewater was heaving in some areas with retail therapy in full swing. I had a Kentucky for lunch as somehow it was in the spirit of the place! I bought some pretty Marks & Spencer underwear in bergundy.

The rest is XXX certificate in very many ways.

It's been an emotional roller coaster of the like I've never experienced but it's brought me back to life.

Am I in love?


Thursday, 8 November 2007

Tracks of my tears

I woke today with salt marks on my face from tears I’d shed from the night before, but when I looked into the mirror the reflection smiled back because she was happy to be alive.

Yesterday I was full of despair & torment but someone who is now so special to me got a complete stranger to telephone me and talking to them started to pull me back.

What really did it though was a poem simply entitled the letter C and understanding what it meant and the emotion it contained.

There then followed another session of swapping of deep personal things that can only be done by two people who can give everything but demand nothing.

I ended up talking until 3am and it could have gone on all night.

I thought I was the intelligent educated one in the relationship but I’m not. My new friend and probably soon to be lover has written poetry than is way beyond anything I could do. It deserves to be published.

I had no direction or meaning but after yesterday my spirit is healed and I can move forward and smile again.

I can love again.

I never thought I’d tell the world that…

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Future? What Future?

There are lots of reasons not to write this but I need to…

I live one day at a time because I can’t see good times anymore.

When I was younger I was always on the go and I had it all in some peoples eyes. Lots of cash, detached house, Jaguar Car, foreign holidays, a partner & a lover – what more could one want?

But that’s the catch of modern life it has no real value.

Now I’m not advocating a return to some bygone age or a religious state as some mop heads would have us live in. I’m like many others saying there must be more and a better way?

I’ve become very fond of an amazing person.

I can easily lose them with my intellect, well intelligence really, but they can lose me just as easily with their wisdom.

So where does it go?

I’m scared I have the capacity to destroy them as I can so easily do to myself.

This is not the basis for something good.

They’ve not got much but they’ve offered me everything and I’ve said, and meant what I said, too much too soon. The one step at a time advice of my friends is right but that went out of the window.

So now what?

A break from the intensity and pause to reflect and let sense prevail I hope.

Lots of things are happening this month and I suppose I decide on whether I have a future afterwards. That’s sensible & pragmatic but that’s not always how I am!

Monday, 5 November 2007

True Love

I” is an illusion. Instead of filling yourself with repetitive assertions of what “I want” and what “I need” and what “I deserve” and what “I fear,” turn your attention to what you can give to others—that is, to all the emotionally wounded individuals in this world—through personal sacrifice and prayer.

This, after all, is what true love is all about, and personality disorders, in one way or another, do their psychological best to maintain your fear of love. For you can never seduce your despair, and you can never find real love through any form of sexual activity.

What is “truly sought” is something we all experience as painfully missing from life: some comforting sense of absolute belonging and acceptance.

Common “love” and true love (or real love)—can be conceived of as the difference between receiving and giving.

Note carefully, though, that giving does not refer to the mere sharing of material objects or wealth; it refers to the expression of profound emotional qualities such as patience, forbearance, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

This all goes to show that it’s easy enough to “love” those who “love” us: parents who protect us, “partners” who make us feel received, animals who never threaten us. But can we love those who annoy us . . . irritate us . . . obstruct us . . . scorn us . . . hate us? Can we love our enemies? That’s the real test of real love.

Those who have the least to gain—and who want nothing, and who give everything, like the saints—can love perfectly.

And this perfect, true love is no illusion.

To offer true love—to will the good of another —is to be satisfied with one’s own weakness, humility, and insignificance. Love is an act of will, not something that you “fall” into. You can fall into desperate desire, and you can fall into fatal attraction, but you can’t fall into love.

Love is a sacrifice of sorts, and it’s a sacrifice of all that the culture deems valuable. So to offer this real love, or true love, is to stand against the culture—not as a revolutionary or terrorist, but with a humble offering of something better than what others “see” in their blindness.

As unpleasant as it may be to admit it, eroticism is based on infantile needs to be received, accepted, and satisfied. When a person feels intensely received, accepted, and satisfied, then he or she is “in love.” But sooner or later that intensity will be broken. The break doesn’t even have to be the result of malicious neglect; it can simply be the result of a need to attend to other obligations in the world, and, in the person feeling neglected, intense jealousy can flare up. So, regardless of how it happens, as those primitive needs are not met, then the “love” flip-flops into hatred and aggression.

But other fantasies, such as bondage, rape, and anal penetration, betray the dark side of “getting what you want.” These fantasies pull us away from spiritual responsibility into a realm of anger and self-loathing, reflecting—or even compulsively re-enacting—those times when we weren’t unconditionally accepted as infants or children.

Real life—not the glossy advertising-agency image of “life”—on the other hand, is an embracing of all the uncertainty of your unconscious, an acceptance of your essential vulnerability, and a willingness to risk everything to trust in something far greater than what you “think” you are.

“Whoever knows how to die in all things will have life in all things.” —St. John of the Cross The Sayings of Light and Love, no. 160.

It’s impossible to heal your own emotional brokenness through the body of another person as mortal and broken as you are.

And so here is the psychological lesson: As long as you pursue sexuality out of a need to be loved—as a form of something you want—you will be led right behind illusions straight into perversion. As long as you try to fill your inner, psychological and spiritual emptiness with another person—that is, through common love—you will remain unconsciously broken and empty

Therefore, only a renunciation of what you think you want and a dedication to loving—giving true love rather than desperately searching to be loved—can lead to anything psychologically and spiritually productive, and it’s the only attitude that can begin to carry you through the agony of human limitation and mortality.

And so it is with your own mental health. First you have to recognize your life for what it is, being honest about your emotional pain and all the mistakes and errors you’ve committed trying to hide from your despair. And then you have to listen to that despair with compassion and let it tell its whole story, so that the very core of your heart will be transformed—rather than push your despair into some dark corner of your unconscious to be seduced with . . . perversion.

Extracts from

Sunday, 4 November 2007

When does friendship become love?

It’s always been one of those difficult things to decide. Falling in love at first sight is rare though I’ll admit I’ve done it! I’ll never forget Chris walking into my life (stage left) and knowing instantly I’d met my soul mate. We had four amazing years before changes in me started to sour things and I knew I had to go. I’ll never regret our time together and that we are still close friends is a great comfort to me.

Now I’ve met someone on the web who I find rather special. It’s all wrong though! Too big an age difference, geographic distance too far apart and some huge differences in basics like food tastes etc. Simple things like I don’t like television but they love it pail into insignificance when we talk about our innermost thoughts.

I don’t know what’s happening, I know they are way in front of me in terms of their feelings but I can’t stop the conversations and where they might lead. I’m not fully in control, which is scary, but somehow it’s not unpleasant. As the song goes “Let’s dance to Joy Division Let’s feel the irony. This could all go so wrong but I’m so happy!”

At least we both like the same music and since that’s the biggest thing in my life it can’t be all bad! I just don’t want to have to cope with upsetting my new friend as maybe they’ve got a “halo” view of me. I respect their honesty and incredible ability to reveal things that I’d have kept hidden if it was me. Mind you I’ve not hidden any of my skeletons and I’ve got a few.

So big decision is do we meet? One minute I think yeah why not? Then the why nots kick in and I think No! It’s not over yet though you could say it’s not really started…

Thursday, 1 November 2007

Shop till you drop…

Went into Manchester today it was really busy with Mums and Daughters and groups of teenage girls as it’s half term. I’d arranged to meet Ria so we lunched at Zest Café, as I like their coffee and Pannini. Ria had the salad bar though she was taking potluck with it as she said she didn’t recognise half the stuff LOL

So off to Primark where again I maintained my 100% not bought anything record so why do I bother? Well Ria wanted to buy a dress for a friend, which she duly did. Went to Mango but only one thing caught my eye but decided it was nice but wouldn’t get worn much so I passed on it.

Tried the L’Oreal powder foundation in Boots came out too dark and decided didn’t cover blemishes like a liquid does. Still girl that applied it was nice but I was pleased I had my repair kit with me. I use L’Oreal liquid foundation and a Maybellene translucent powder so got back to me OK. I’m glad I tried it though as I’ve been meaning to do for ages.

Went to Marks and Spencer and checked undies but couldn’t find a bra and matching thong combination I liked so we did coffee there. Did find a great coat but it was too lined! Yes even me who likes T-shirts in winter under a coat was overcooking in it! Ria had to “fly” as she wanted to get back to York to meet someone else so I carried on to USC and most of the Arndale Centre.

I had a look in the apple store to see the new OS Leopard. It’s very different to XP so need to see it again to form an opinion really. The MacBook Pro laptops were sexy as hell though! I need a rich boyfriend to buy me one Hint, Hint. Then it was off to Oldham Street to a guitar shop as the price of an Apple Mac made me think about the sort of guitar you could buy for same price! A Gibson please, Santa!

So feet well tired I dropped into Night and Day Café for a bottle of Peroni and some Pringles. Heard the band setting up for the evening but they didn’t stop me heading off home to rest my feet! I’d managed to go full day without buying anything except refreshments, but that was down to things I could afford I didn’t like, whilst those I couldn’t afford I liked! My usual problem champagne tastes but lemonade wages. I really need a rich boyfriend fast!